i'm back

[niccoleranae]

hey i just got home i was just hospitlized, and i'm doing alot better. i know that you said before to be strong, but i had an episode. and got the proper diagnoses. i do have bpd, but i'm not going to worry about that part of me.. i'm gonna worry about my axis one diagnoses and focus on them, since it will do no good to worry about any axis 2.

but honestly, being in the hospital did not help me.. i was down to 89 lbs when i was in the hospital and they didn't care! after i was in the hospital they sent me too a crisis stablization unit, and if i was not sent there i would still be sucidal and losing weight. they helped me so much and made me feel like they cared about me! they were really awsome like they always are. i made really strong connections with them and the other patients. and they actually got me eating and feeling better about myself. like they believe in me. and they got my old counsler back for me and everything, it was really upsetting leaving to. i don't know why but it was just scary i guess having to come back to reality.

but, before i went in i left my ex. and i'm just really scared he's gonna want to get back together because he was the reason i felt so bad about myself, and i know i'm gonna have to have contact with him because of the kids.. and it just scares me because he wines like a little baby.. like i'm the only person for him.. and they told me not to get back with him because everything will start over again.. and i'm still not completly better yet.. and hes holding me back from everything i'm doing to get me better..

[Jennifer]

glad to hear that you are doing better and that you got the help you need. you can only be strong when your mood/mind is stable. you have real conditions that need real help and it is not as easy as saying okay snap out of it. what is the game plan from this point forward? you need some good support to help you with your ex it sounds like.

[niccoleranae]

the game plan is to not get back with my b/f.. go to counseling, use the some of the coping skills i have learned, like think about my kids before i make another dumb move, take my meds the right way, keep myself hydrated and feed even if its a little bit, stay away from marijuana and alcohol.. i'm planning on getting my g.e.d soon they put me on straterra so it can help me focus.. i have been trying really hard


but coming back to everything right now is really hard on me. even with medicine i'm still going through mood swings.. and they are manic to emotional, i've been trying to cope in positive ways.. like using the rubber band on my arm. it's kind of working, but its like my parents know now what i have and i don't know they don't know how to be there the right way.. which makes it even harder.. today was a pretty emotional day for me.. which makes me not want to eat

when i was in csu, i could not urinate, i thaught something was really wrong with me come to find out it was because i was dehydrated.. they told me if i did not start eating and drinking they was gonna have to take me over to the er and stick an iv in me.. i did not want that so they got me to eat and they were pushisng alot of fluids down my thorat..

i just feel TODAY like its all going to hell.. like i'm gonna let it all go.. i don't know what triggerd me.. all i know is that i just feel down, like i don't want to do anything, my parents don't understand still how my moods switch so fast even with me being medicated.. and the nurse at csu even called my mom and explained everything to her about bpd and everything else.. it's just like i'm full of energy one day and the next day i'm totally fucked up like i've been depressed forever..

and the first thing i got to work on in my treatment is ptsd.. which is the main problem right now.. and i don't understand any of it yet, like what triggers me or anything.. it sucks. thats why i am glad they got my first counselor back shes the only one i guess they said that touched bases on anything.. i guess making me mad was progress.. but i don't see her till the 4th and i hate calling the crisis line.. and i can't call her when i have an emotional break down because shes never avalible when i need her..

so it's just hard on me.. but i know i have to follow the treatment plan to get better.. it's just hard right now , especially when its early in treatment.. and just getting out of reallt intesive treatment thats kinda why i think i'm so emotional

[Jennifer]

do you have any support groups in your area with people of your diagnosis. it is really hard for your parents to understand how you feel, they love you and want you to be better and don't get what you are going through. you need to find like minded people that you can relate to and vis/versa.

[niccoleranae]

the place that i go to for counseling and stuff was going through alot of problems and they are just now getting back on their feet. they shut my support group down from nami.. because the coordinater got her lisw and she never trained nobody to take it over, it was the only nami group that was about mood disorders.. even that though, i was the only one in the group that was diagnosed with an axis ll.. i live in a small town.

the problems they have been going through.. caused two of the three psychatrist to leave the team including mine.. which was the only female doctor there.. but now they got another doctor there that i am seeing and he is a guy..

there is more support groups and my doctor that i did see is not that far.. like an hour away.. in the akron/canton area.. still for me..its kinda far. thats where i was at in the hospital.. in akron. in two diffrent places, then they sent me back down here to csu.. i hated it up there, i seen so many doctors it was unreal.. and i couldn't see my daughters. my mom wouldn't bring them that far.. so me driving there every week would be funny.

[Jennifer]

i bet it would be good for you. does your mom help take care of the girls? as you said just focus on the axis 1 for now and not focus on the axis 2, way to much to think about. you need to take baby steps.

[niccoleranae]

yeah she helps me out alot with them, she kept them when i was in the hospital.. and my ex was gonna try to get custody of them, so i was gonna sign temp. custody over to my mom and dad.. but now my ex is scared cause he's got drugs in his system.. so i didn't have to do all that.

but, my mom works wed-sun 2-5 and sometimes she does double and also works 8-11..

so when she works, i got to watch my 11 year old sister, my 14 year old brother, and my 18 year old brother lives here still. there all younger. but both my brothers have adhd.. and my 18 year old brother has adhd,odd + he's an alcoholic.. he's in all kind of trouble, hes about to be goin back to jail. hes not a problem for me.. he doesn't give me any problems personally. except for i worry about him.. my problem is my 14 year old brother.. he is very hyper, and aggervating.. he upsets all the time. they both are not on any medicine.. my mom won't put them on any.

other than that both my parents are good when i need them to help out with my daughters.. it's alot on my parents dealing with all of kids.. i know it is.. they deal with everything completley the wrong way though.. my mom gets way to out of controll when shes mad about something, so does my dad.. and it only triggers me.. (i know that is one of my triggers) it triggers my 18 year old brother.. and then he'll go get in more trouble. . instead of being understanding they make it perfectly clear that they don't want to understand at that point. but i'll have an apartment in like 4 months.. so i got to just wait it out for a while.

i don't know.. sry for writing so much.. i just got alot going through my mind all the time. and ya i know i need to take baby steps.. everyone involved in my treatment said the same thing.. so i got to focus on the ptsd first and my present problems.. trying to focus on the ptsd is hard when i keep having present problems.. i just wish i would snap out of it.

hopefully u get all of that.

[Jennifer]

got it all how's the apartment going to work.

[niccoleranae]

well they go by your income.. even if i don't have any. and i have been on the list for a while now. and i am glad it's just going to be my apartment and my ex is not gonna live with me.. because i want to live on my own and get my shit straight. its going to be just me and my daughters.

i just hope treatment goes good for me.. and i get better.. i don't like being by myself i get deppressed and think to to much.. but then when theres people around i get mad and upset.. both have the same effect on me, i wanna hurt myself.. wheather it be not eating or self harming my self.. but when i'm that upset, almost always not eating drives me into self harming.. until i get so skinny.. that when i eat you can litterally see everything i just ate in my body even if its a little bit.. then i hate myself even more because i think i'm fat thats why i cut or burn. ewww i don't know, its just like a cycle with me..it makes me sick even thinking about it.

so far since i been home i have not hurt myself atleast

[Jennifer]

glad to hear you have been safe since you have been at home, are you working on a plan with someone to protect yourself and your daughters when you are on your own?

[niccoleranae]

just my counselor and my doctor. like i said i don't even see my counselor until the 4th.. i have not seen her in a long time.. i quit seeing her a while back she pissed me off, which i guess is supposed to be a good thing.

i have been seeing diffrent counselors in between this time period. none of them helped me.. i'm just hoping that since i have my first counselor back she knows what she is doing. shes the only one that has actually has been there when i did something really really wrong. and i don't like talking about this situation with anyone else except for her because she was my counselor at the time this happened.. the csu team was there too, they are also involved in my treatment

as far as a plan.. i can always call csu, which is the crisis line.. but they are involved in my treatment.. and every move i make with them.. my counselors always knows about it.. so i don't like to call.. and when i'm upset like that, calling them.. its always past the point. i don't feel like i can call them before i do anything stupid.. i don't know why? i always call them after the damage is already done.. which is what gets me into so much trouble.

and now i'm definatly scared to call them if i need too before i do anything stupid.. because of the circumstanses. i don't want to end up in the same shoes i was just in.. i know if i go to the hospital this time i'm not coming home for a long time.. and there will be no csu.. there almost was no csu this time i'm lucky the hospital decided to let me go there this time..

even if its just thoughts i'm having.i'm just walkin on thin ice right now.. i got watch my ass.. or i could lose everything including my daughters.. then i really will do something dumb. without them i'm notthing. they are my life.. thats what i got to keep thinking about. i am trying really hard.. keeping myself occupied all day.. even if its getting on this stupid computer a while,taking care of the girls, exersisng, cleaning, taking a ride.. i'm still having a hard time with gaining weight, i'm obbsessed over the calories i consume and if i see the bump i will exersise like crazy and if its still there in a couple hours i won't eat for the rest of the day. so i need to talk to my counselor about it.. it still will do no good i'm obsessed with my apperance for some reason.. and no i'm not trying to impress anybody but myself.. if i look in the mirror and don't like what i see, i get upset. its been like that almost my whole life.. especially since i was an actress when i was in highschool.. i was really discaplined in my outward apperance.. everything had to be perfect. EVERYTHING.

[Jennifer]

that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, things are never perfect

[niccoleranae]

you sound like my counselor
i know things are never perfect.. i try though.
they told my image perception is all messed up.. i just don't know what it is gonna take for me to see this?

like today i'm upset and mad.. like i told u about the whole belly thing, its not the way i want it. i don't know i have to atleast keep myself hydrated. it makes me mad..

[Jennifer]

we all get mad at things, but the trick is to get mad and get over it not spiral out of control

[niccoleranae]

ha get over it!
alot easier said then done!

get over it.. i hate it when people tell me to get over it.. they don't know how hard it is just to get over it.. wish i could, right now. getting over it is alot harder than you think.