getting there

[niccoleranae]

hey jennifer
its been a while since i have talked to you, i have been doing good.. well for the most part, thats actually why i am writing on this forum at this very moment.

first of all.. i got my own place, i have been there for about a month.. my boyfriend has been staying there with me and he is not on the lease yet, but hes probally gonna be.. we have not been getting along, he does not got a job yet.. hes gonna start looking we just bought two vehicles so he could do that we bought a jeep and a ford focus. we still have fines we both have to pay off though. anyways, i have been doing good with my treatment, i went to AA well once so far and that was last week, i can not sit still! i can not cocentrate. i need the straterra back i think, because im gonna be going back to school i have got to be able to concentrate.

this is the problem, i have been doing good.. staying away from drugs and alchol.. thats all my b/f wants to do. i have been trying to convince him to go into treatment but he does not think he has problem.. but he does, because he is spending money that we really don't have on them. so he has a problem. thats my problem.. i want to get better and do something with my life, and he wants to get fucked up all the time. and then if i don't want to do it he gets mad.. he gets mad at everything i am doing with treatment. he does not want me to do any of it. and my case manager just got me into this place.. its a crisis recovery place, i got to go for an assesment the 17th, he don't want me to go to it. but i need to go.. i have been going with out meds i still wanna try it without them but, i gotta talk to a professinol about all of this because i don't know if its the right thing to do at this moment..
i'm really really depresssed all the time. like what do i do about my b/f, i mean i love him. i just don't know if we want the same kind of life. especially when it comes to are kids.

another thing is. when i go to this assesement on the 17th, they might tell me i can no longer continue treatment with the counselor i have now and they might want me to do my whole treatment plan with them. i don't know if thats what i want, i mean sure i want more options when it comes to like minded people in my life. but to drop everything i have already worked on? if i got to do this, well if i feel it is a better option.. its not gonna be good. i am going to be upset. so i don't know what i am going to do there.. i just have a feeling if i do all of this and drop the treatment i am doing now.. i am gonna feel like i lost someone majorly important to me.. i don't know how well that would go down with me this time. i feel right now like i dont want to switch.. if i go up there and like it up there i probally will.. and then what if i regret all of it again? this is all just very confusing to me. i'm just hoping that they will all work together on me.. and i can still see the counselor i am seeing now and do treatment up there also.

i just need some advice..
my counselor and case manager are completley diffrent.. one tells me they think this the other tells me the opposite. and there is no trust still. and you honestly are the only person who has helped me relize some things about myself..
my counselor told me you were the only one that new what you were talking about when it came to me. she thinks my case managers a quack and my case manager thinks that about her.. ???? i don't freakin know.. its got my head going in all types of directions... honeslty do u think having a case manager and counselor is working out for me. i mean have you ever heard of someone having these problems like this..

[Jennifer]

glad that you are doing well and glad to hear from you.

to address the different areas, first your b/f. what you are experiencing happens a lot in treatment when one person wants to get better and the other doesn't. that is why aa doesn't recommend relationships for a year because the only relationship that you should be working on is yourself. you will know in time if he can improve with you, but for now you should not let him interfer with your progress which is awesome!!!

case managers and counselors are different types of people and I think the progress you have made might have been helped by there differences because as you say you have trust issues and you put your trust in yourself not one person. you have a ying/yang effect going on with them and it seems to keep you balanced and keeps you moving foward

can't tell you whether you should accept the change or not because it hasn't happened yet and you should get more details and make an informed decision.

[niccoleranae]

thank you.
so that is all good.. omg.. lol. i guess u could say that it is helping me move foward. it is just confusing. . i don't know which one to listen to.

well as far as my b/f.. i do love him, i hope he starts seeing things in more positive ways. but i don't know what to say to him when he thinks that treatment is a waste of my time. and he trys to make me feel like treatment is more important to me than him.. which i do need it more right now. this is why i really do want to talk to people like me because, with everything that i have going on with me right now, i relize how important therapy in a general is gonna be from here on out. seeing that anyone outside treatment is not gonna understand me like them.

i got to figure all of this out with the new treatment, i got to get an assesment i am just hoping that i don't go up there and them hospitilize me. or something crazy, i don't see why they would do that.. i go to counseling tommorow and im gonna ask her about it.
my case manager told me she does not think i will be able to do both, that i'm probally gonna have to choose between the 2. its not my fault the place i go to now don't have what the doctors recommened me to do, or that they are having problems getting a new psych.
just don't want to start over.

[Jennifer]

i don't think you will have to start over whatever you decide and I can understand your fear of being hospitalized because that has been your past experience when you go do things like this but you have to remember that you are stronger and better now and you can handle this.

as far as b/f goes, i'm sure he is intimitated by this new you and doesn't know how to handle it. i'm sure he is happy for you but at the same time he is not as needed as he was before. you two will have to find a common ground to build from with the new independent sober you.

[niccoleranae]

thanks
i will let u know what goes on with all of this.

atleast now i'm not trying to figure out which one is right and which one is wrong. its my choice.

i don't think i will be put in the hospital my counselor told me i was making progress, i just can't do anything or say anything stupid to make them think i need to be hospitilized. but yeah that is one place i don't want to be at again. i'm pretty sure i know my boundries on the things that put you in the hospital... when i am being manic this is hard to controll. i'm not going to display myself the way i did when i got hospitlized the last time, sometimes i guess its just easier to pretend i am normal.
thats some things i am using when it comes to coping skills.. i just act a certain way even though i'm not matching that mood.. like acting. something i like doing. .. i just don't want people to think i'm a nut case. ya know. poker face. lol.

[Jennifer]

if that is working then go for it, soon you will be able to do more than act, actually feel the mood, when you are acting try to think what it would be like in that mood.

you will not get hospitalized

[niccoleranae]

yeah, there is a such thing as getting to into character. i got to get all the good moods down and leave the bad ones behind..

the happy is whats got me right now.. i can act happy i just don't really don't know what it feels like, well i do.. but at the time i don't

like i can act mad.. and not neccasarially be mad.. but i can feel mad. i can put myself in that mood.

do u get what i'm saying.. the moods that i don't feel very much are gonna be the hardest to master. but its getting better,, killing with kindness.. throwing people off.. so they don't read into how i really feel.

[Jennifer]

i get what ya mean, when you are acting, try to understand how it feels so you can master the mood.

[niccoleranae]

i went to counseling today.
she says the same thing about my b/f as you.. that he is probally scared by the new me. to give it time, she did say that it is not a good thing he is still usuing around me and wanting me to do it.. i can't continue that way when i'm trying to get better.

as far as the new treatment, i do not think she wants me to switch and i don't want to switch her either.. but she told me it will be my choice, she did tell me i did not have to switch her to see a psychiatrist and that they just can't tell me i have to quit seeing her.
i don't even know yet, like u said i'm jumping ahead of myself with that.. i'm pretty sure i want to stay where i am at with her..

like i don't like thinking about it, because it just makes me mad..
i can't just make a decison because it is what i want... i got to do what i need too..

its very confusing..when the time comes.. i hope this is not gonna be the choice my case manager wants me to make.

[Jennifer]

remember she is your case manager and she is there for you, but you call the shots and make the decisions so don't get yourself worked up about it now because you don't have to.

agree with counselor, hard to be around b/f when still using.

[niccoleranae]

this is the problem i wanted to tell u yesterday i just really don't like talking about it.

the whole being put back in the hospital thing, i am doing better i'm staying off drugs and alcohol. i'm not cutting anymore, well i have not in a while. but, my counselor told me when i seen her yesterday about the eating problem and she thinks that may be the reason they want me to go up there because she does not work with eating disorders, well she does not know much about them.
i didn't really even think about that until she said something actually, because i am so uset to it that i forgot it was a problem until she said something to me. i'm not that bad, atleast i don't think i am.
i don't want to be to skinny.. and i defiantley am scared to gain any weight, i think i'm pretty much stuck between 90 to 105 lbs. when it comes down to it i'm only 5"1'.. i was up to 105 a week ago and it is going down quick... i am eating..
i am not going to die. and i don't want this to be a problem when i go up there. like i said i don't want to display myself, as unstable. last time it was drugs and cuts.. there is no way i am being hospitlized again for something like this. i want to work on it myself. i have been this little my whole life.
i'm really just feeling like i am doing better even though i am not eating all that great.. i don't feel high, which was gave me an appetite most of the time. but i thought i was doing better.. i want to do better..
it's just.. like you guys say i will feel alot more once i am off the drugs.. and there not good feelings.. i am using the coping skill of pretending its working out with people. ummm but i am alot more deppressed and upset with myself.. and my counselor said after u get off of stuff it will be like this for a while. so its okay to feel like this.

i don't know.. i'm starting to learn alot, and i think i'm getting better..
she said that maybe i should just see a psych up there instead of doing a whole new treatment plan.. the progress i'm making with her.. they may not see that as progress when i go up there..

what do u think about all of this and be for real. tell me what you think. do u think i am doing better. i just could not leave this out to you.. only because they think this is a problem.. but, still i don't know if its just because no one ever talks to me about it. but i forgot it was even an issue when it came to all of this. . i don't talk with her much about the eating or my case manager.. but she told me i have a problem with it? so i don't know. i mean i have been to doctors they have never indicated anything about me having a problem.. so i don't know.

[Jennifer]

that is a really hard question to answer for me, it appears that you are doing better to me, but I don't see you face to face and I am not part of your treatment plan. I suggest you talk to your case manager soon and find out the details. you are guessing and wondering and you just need to know the facts from her so you can make an informed decision. when is this trip to the hospital?

[niccoleranae]

i do not go until the 17th, i will see my counselor again a couple days before i go..
i don't know when i talked to her about not wanting to be hospitlized she didn't assure me that i was not gonna be in there like you just did. she ask me how the eating was going.
i told her its been okay, but i don't know she said that the only reason she would think that my case manager would want me to see another counselor was because of the eating, i don't know she just said i have alot more to work on.

like do u get what i am saying, even though i am making progress in the treatment i am in now.. what if they think up there that i am not. i got a really strong feeling the last session i mean a really strong feeling.. like maybe she knows if i go up there what they are gonna do, maybe thats why she wasn't so interested in the fact that i was going to do this.. like i am feeling alot more now.. and its really intense.. and it was intense the last session.. and eye contact is very strong, when i am expressing how i really feel.. i am not like saying that my feelings are right because they could be wrong.. but why would they be that strong. its like a feeling is there just by looking at someone? it was like i felt like she was upset not with me.. she was just very i don't know.. its personal.. soo.. i don't even know.. i don't know if she was feeling a certain way or i was..
it left me with a bad feeling about all of this..
she says i'm making progress.

i don't know i'm trying to get a hold of my case manager.. i want to do this to get better. if they are gonna put me in the hospital i'm not gonna do it. like what if i go up there and they try to pull out of the treatment i am in now.. they cannot put me in the hospital for not doing so can they.
i mean that is my choice. isnt it.

i know i am jumping a head of myself jennifer.. but i don't want to go up there and be stuck.. because if they think i need in the hospital.. they can admitt me.. and my counselor has not admitted me anywhere. she never has.. the nurses did it the last time.
like i told you before i'm not gonna display myself the way i did the last time. and if they make me feel like i'm gonna be put in there again i wont be honest with them. i will lie. i don't want to do that.. i want to work on this myself. at my own house, with my own family. on my own terms. i don't do very well in hospitals anyways.. none of them want me in there units. because they can't handle me. and it will just be a game if they put me in there again. it would be really bad. and i am trying i'm trying really hard. and i think it would make things worse for my treatment.

just tell me i'm jumping a head of myself. and it will be okay, because right now there is no one to tell me.. i don't like when they leave me feeling like this.. its on purpose.. and i don't like it.

[Jennifer]

you are completely jumping ahead of yourself and it will be okay. sounds reasonable that they might want you to work on the eating, you are doing okay, just stay focused on your treatment and your girls

[niccoleranae]

okay i talked to my case manager today.. everything is okay!
she told me i don't have to tell them about the eating problem, unless they ask me.. she said i am going up there for a doctor to get meds.. and probally a skills class. she thinks i am doing better.. for that reason she said i'm not gonna get hospitlized. unless i tell them i am sucidal.. which there is no way i am gonna do that. she also told me i was probally not gonna have to switch or whatever..so thats all good!

my boyfriend and i had a really good and mature talk last night, he is trying to quit, he said he is tired of feeling like the synthetic pot is his life.. its really addictive and he has not smoked it an couple days and i am proud of him.. he still is wanting too but hes pushing hisself not to with my help.. i told him i did not want to be with him if he was going to continue to buy it and do it.. and he has not since.. and you were right i will know if i can be with him in time or not.. because if he gives in, or even ask me to do it with him.. i told him we are over. that i want to live my life for my kids and me.. not drugs and getting high.. he gets very emotional and has bad mood swings. i don't know if i can handle it honestly.. he crys alot with out anything.. he's having problems with his family.. and its hurting both of us and i feel bad about it and i feel like its all my fault.
he no longer has the guy who raised him in his life, he hates him and his mother is still with that guy so he can't even go see his mom.. only when she picks up are girls on the weekend he sees her and he crys about it all the time. and i feel bad..
because when we talked last night..
he has a real dad that his mother didn't want in his life growing up and he is a really good guy.. my boyfriend never wanted a reltionship with him because the guy who raised him would get mad at him.. well he snuck and seen him a couple times and his real dad got very emotional he wants to be in my boyfriends life and he wants to see are daughters. my boyfriend was crying last night because he wants to talk to his real dad i don't know what to do in a situation like this.. i have never delt with these kind of problems. he said he has so much he wants to say to his real dad but he is scared since he has been 18 he has not went and seen him very much he thinks his dad won't want notthing to do with him.. and he needs a fater figure in his life.. the one he had was so mean to him and i don't even thinks he cares about him..
i keep telling him to go see him and take the girls.. he is scared and he has no one on his side of family.. he's all alone.. all he has is me.. but he has got this dad that wants to be in his life.. that has parents which is his grandparents they want to see him, he has got a brother, and two sisters he wants to have a connection with.. he does his brother a little bit.. he is the oldest he never got to experince growing up having siblings he was raised as an only child. and all of these people love seeing him and want him around and i know because he took me to meet them before. and they tell him they want him to be in are lifes with are kids.. and his dad really really wants to see his grandaughters they are his first blood grandkids.
my boyfriend is just scared to go around them and i don't know why.. i want him to do better for us and are girls i don't want to have to leave him and leave him all by his self with no one that would be on my consious all the time.. i just have a feeling his real dad is what he needs.

he won't talk to anyone about this, he wanted me to ask.. he does not like talking to other people, hes not like me.. he gets nervous and insecure with people when it comes to his self he said he don't need no one to help him with his problems but him but thats a lie.. so he told me he just wants to know why he feels so scared about. he is just scared to talk to his real dad and he don't know why.

he said he would like to write a letter to his real dad and express how he feels.. i said it sounds like a good idea but i thought he should write and read it in person.. or talk to him in person.. or call him but like i said i don't know what to do i never had problems like this.