Unanswered questions posts

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Hello Everyone,

My name is Danielle. I am so happy I found this because I feel like I always do better expressing my emotions in writing! I just read through a couple of posts and I definitely related to the "...but good-hearted" post. I put my husband through the same things he goes through with his wife. However, I come from a family where we talk our problems out and try to fix them. On the contrary, my husband doesn't.

We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and he's amazing!! When I first met him I was 17 and a senior in college, he was 23 and hadn't graduated. I've always been an overachiever he has not. However, I knew that regardless, I would go to college (I'm a senior in College-Marketing Management). I've always told him he needs to at least get his GED. OK, so fast forward. My husband is finally in college. He's doing great and he's even on the Dean's List. I always knew he could do it! I saw something in him noone else saw and he had all the qualities in a partner I value and admire. Ok, so I'm really happy with him now. For a long time that was a major issue between us because yunno just providing for us he would need to have somewhat of an education, at least a GED yunno? But anyway, he's working on that!! I love him.

I'm writing today because his many jobs and lack of an education has put us in some hard situations. I've always worked and been in school and used scholarships and college loans to help take care of us. I'm getting over that because he is going to school now but I believe that those situations, especially now that we have 2 children has caused me to be very depressed.

On top of that, the situation with my husband's family has really made things worse. This "family drama" has been going on since the day I met Jeremy. His family has always been pretty sucky so he says and clearly there were issues before I got involved but I've been a victim of their antics, dishonesty, disrespect, and discrimination since we met. Oh yeah, forgot to say, we're an interracial couple. He's white, I'm black mixed. From the time we were together his mother told me things like, she didn't want another daughter-in-law, she wished she had never had her son, she wants nothing to do with our children, our never be better than her other daughter-in-law, I'm a neglectful mother (sooo not true) like her other daughter-in-law, the only reason her family doesn't call me a n***** is because they love her and so on and so on. She went as far as to criticize my terminally ill mother and her disease! She's always told me her issues with her daughter-in-laws was that they took the kids away from her. I always tried to be to her ALWAYS!! So, I made it a point to bring my children around her all the time, everday even. This whole time not knowing she was saying some of the worst, UNTRUE, things imaginable about me. I found all this out and it hurt....hurt so bad. So, now her husband died, it hasn't even been a year since he died and she's with a new man. She has completely left my children and even went as far to say she hoped we would move far away and never come back. She left her house and went to live with a dude in another state. I'm a little upset too because after her 3rd husband died we asked if we could live in her house with her and kind of help her out with bills and stuff because we were both working but childcare and the bills were getting overwhelming. Anyway, we asked if we could do that, that way both of us could finish school, we would have someone to help with the kids, and she would have someone to help with her bills. She told us that on his deathbead her husband told her to never let me and him live in thier house. Granted all thier other 5 kids and their families have when they weren't even working or in school or anything. They weren't doing anything, we're different. She knows that! But that was her reason why. That hurt bad, especially when I know he was racist too but I thought he came around because when I first met me he wouldn't even look at me but then he changed. We started having great conversations and all that. But this is what she said after he died, so my belief that he changed will never be confirmed. I have to think he hated me, I guess. I guess he did. Anyway, this will take many posts to get all out but that is the beginning. That's mainly why I'm writing. I have been given a script for paxil and I lost my insurance but I just talked to a pharmacist about getting it for way cheaper than $200 and it's possible!! My Dr. is calling it in as I type! Thank God! My husband is happier with me when I'm on it too! However, I feel that I have many reasons to suffer from depression. I've been so rejected but the hardest part about it all is that even though my mothe-in-law has treated us the way she has, she's always bailed us out of financial troubles. That's the hard part. I feel she uses her money as control. She loves to tell him that if he doesn't do things her way, she'll cut him off and she wants to help but she doesn't want to help me. I'm at a point now where I don't want any of her money, gifts or whatever. I hate taking stuff from her now!! She doesn't give it to us because she cares but just to have some power and say, "you need me." My husband doesn't care about excepting the money but I do. I will live in the Salvation Army before I accept anything else from her, seriously. LOL! It's aweful!! She just sent my kids checks in the mail with $10 each in them. I hated that because she's back in town now for whatever reason and sent them something to (I feel) warm them up to see her since she hasn't been around but I don't even want her to see them. I don't want her to be a part-time grandmother. She left my daughter. My oldest is the closest to her and I feel that the first chance she got to leave was when she did. Like she never cared. Like she just used us and our daughter to satisfy her since she was miserable with her husband and everyone else left her. It's so hard to deal with. Please tell me how to get over this. It's at a point now where I can't help but to look at my husband and become filled with rage about the whole situation, especially when he makes me mad. I need help getting over this. I need guidance to on how to handle her. My husband did call her the other day and tell her not to have anything to do with us anymore after she sent those cards but I still feel the pain. It's like I want her to feel how she's made us feel. I can't get over it. I need help, guidance, and support. I have an amazing husband who is perfect to me, which is why we got married, I really wanted to snatch him up while I had the chance lol
However, I feel like this almost everyday, almost like I'm obsessed with the situation. How can I get over this and just get our marriage and our life back to the way it was? That's all I want!!

Thanks for listening, sorry it's soooo much

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

not sure why you posted in someone else's topic but with your next post you should create your own topic. What your situaiton boils down to is inlaws. From what you say, marriage is good, yes you have financial troubles but right now who doesn't and hopefully the paxil will work for you. Drug companys do give out free drugs to those that can afford it but if you can get generic that is even better.

How to stop the hurt? The best thing to do is what your husband already did is cut her off, yes she does have a hold on you if she is financially responsible to you. Just said that this morning about another case of mine where a father and son are fighting and it boils down that the father is supporting him financially. It is not worth it and I have always said that the sign of maturity is when you stop caring what your parents thing.

Glad to hear that your husband is stepping up to the plate and that he is in school and both of you are preparing for your future so it seems. You don't need the drama in your life. You didn't mention your family and if they are in your life.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Sorry I posted on someone elses post. It just sounded a lot like me so I wanted to add to it so no one would get confused, i guess lol

Anyhow, right after I posted this my husband came home with his GED score. He had already taken the test but didn't pass the math. He finally passed it!! 100 points higher than the last time he took it too. I'm proud.

And yes, my family is in our life. I've never really asked them for money when we got into a bind bc I have always carried my own weight in this marriage with financial aid from school, academic scholarships, and work. I have never wanted to ask them for anything because of the kind of person I am (super ambitious and goal-oriented) and the kind of person he is. I never want to make him look bad to my family because they would just say he needs to be doing more. However, my family has supported us since day 1. My grandmother is white and was disowned by her family when she married my grandfather, a black man. She especially has always supported us. My family has always been good to us and treats my husband with the ultimate respect. No problem there.

On my last year of scholarships and I told him if he wanted to go to school he needed to do it now. He's in and he finally has his GED but now I feel insecure about our relationship. I always have every since his family tried so hard to break us up but now I do double time because he has finally gotten his GED. He has more confidence about himself and he's a very attractive man. For once in his life, he'll be able to take care of us on his own or at least completely carrry his half of the weight. So, now I'm wondering why be with me? Your family hates me, I can get pretty bitchy sometimes, and I know he can definitely find someone better looking than me.... he's hot!! Brad Pitt or better yet, John Stamos hott!! so, why be with me? I've always wondered why he was interested in me but now he'll be able to go do what he wants. He won't NEED me anymore. He can get his education on my scholarships and just walk. He says he's not going to do that but how do I know that for sure?

This is really bothering me now. And yes, I agree, cut her off! She's been cut off but she still tries to make contact and she just mailed my children cards. I don't want her to do that!! I'm just done. But I feel so much pain on top of my recent insecurities. I mean, really, he'd be smart to use me like that. Yunno, get a good education on me!! Who wouldn't?! Not to mention it took 5 years to get to this point, I'm soooo tired!! I was unsure before because of his family interferences but I am definitely now.

For all I know he discussed this with people in his family. I don't know. I really just don't know. I'm tired!! My husband says we will let them win if we divorce but I'm tired. I don't want to play that game. I think he let them win when they broke me and our relationship. I'm tired. I don't know what I want to do and I don't know what I want anymore.

OH and about the meds, I got my dr. to write me a new prescription, the same thing but another version that is over 80% cheaper. Definitely affordable!! I can go get it when I get paid.

Anyhow, my I please have some advice on this. I think it would be best if we just called it quits now. I'm so tired, so hurt, so uncomfortable, and so insecure because of him and his family. I don't know if I can ever get over all this. I've been through a lot with him over the last 6 years we've been together. I could've totally had a Master's now if i wasn't with him. Yunno. Not that I blame him for not having that or how my life has been but I know if I had never married him, this would be stress I would've never had...... never had it before. I know he has his GED now but at least I know he can get a better job and can afford to pay child support lol! I'm just so tired and I don't know what to do.
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I'M TRYING TO DO THE BEST I CAN!

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Congrats on passing the GED for him. Not sure why you are talking about leaving him now. Am I missing something that has happened between the two of you. Were you a secure person before you met him? I am hearing that this is about your insecurities not something that he is telling you. Why do you think he would leave you one day? Or is it that you want to leave him because he is holding you back? Please explan further.

I also think that the insecurities made you post in someone else's thread and if that is the case then you married him because he was not as smart so not as threathening to you and now that he got his GED finally that will all change. Doesn't need too, but it would be great if you can work on those insecurites for yourself.