I hate my mind it's like the devil

[greyskyeyes]

Hi I have been struggling with bipolar and ADHD combined . I was diagnosed a lil over 2 yrs ago after the loss of my first and only pregnancy. I am 31 . Lost in my my own mind which i battle against daily my body wants to move my mind so numb with sadness my mind will not allow me to break free . I have been stuck for a couple yrs barely able to break in between my deep sadness not long enough to come up for air to get my life straight and in order . I need help I think about suicide a lot more then i use to .It scares to wake up to know i feel like the world doesn't want me . I am going crazy in my own rite . I have asked my mother to help she tells me she can't afford to . I beg for help o be turned down I went to a therapist a couple of months they put me on Prozac welbutrin and also abilify I was algeric to all of them . I believe i was black balled after missing a few appts .
I don't know where to go I need help to find help . I have a long history of self sadness self put downs . I have so much to offer the world but first i have to learn how to love myself . Please i beg of you to please help me find the help i so desperately need . I have been raped . I have sold my body in order to eat . The only drug i use is weed . And yes i have been dependent on it to relieve my stress . Tho i know in the long run it may make me worse . I can go on on and on i feel like in order to know the help i need you must get to know me . Sorry for going on and on . Please if you have any questions ask I have no secrets . I do have not been able to hold a job for more then 3 months ever . I have anxiety attacks . and am uneasy always . I am broke living with my family who treat as a child or an outcast. No one listens .... I am crying out to someone who can hear me ..

[Jennifer]

Can you explain how the symptoms started after you lost the baby?

as far as the meds go, you might of had a bad reaction to your meds.

if you feel suicidial this forum is not the place for you. you need immediate help. as long as you are talking in here you need to be safe and realize that this is not for a crisis situation.


are you on disability? if not you should start the process and yes therapists are only there to help so if you miss repeated appts they will tell you to stop coming.

what else do you need to share?

[greyskyeyes]

What were my thoughts on losing the one being i have wanted since childhood . I was incredibly sad but i have been depressed since i was young . I don't know what types of meds to be on . So you do think i should apply for disability . I was intending on it . I am not in crisis like that i am just saying is my mind leaves me uncomfortable so much i do need help in a good direction . So where do i go for help do you have any suggestions i want To learn how to manage my self in a positive manor i want to be in control of my emotions .

[Jennifer]

being on disability would mean you can have access to healthcare and be able to stand on your own two feet. you need to find resources in your area. everystate has a mental health association. you can try them and or try a local university that has a counseling department. they usually work on a sliding scale fee.

[greyskyeyes]

I will look that up itz a good starting point. I mean i know i am strong i have been thru much i just need to find the resources and you gave me a direction . So thank you ..

[Jennifer]

Keep us updated. You might want to contact a lawyer about filing for disability as well.I know that you do not feel okay, but once you start taking care of yourself andmoving in a positive direction, it will get better