HELP US!! in so many ways!

[i need him in my life]

Hi i am in desperate need of some advice on so many levels!

first off i have been with my fiance for 4years now and we have a 14month old and a 3month old (both girls)! It hasnt always been wonderful but the good times sure out weigh the bad! but we moved in together 3 months into our relationship when i came home from college and we have been what our friends describe as the "old married couple"! we don't hide back the arguements in front of people yet we can seem like we are the only two people in a room at times ! but i have always had my thoughts that he might be bi-polar and more and more he seems to be making my thoughts a reality! he can make me feel so small and cut me so deep to the core and then turn around within 5 minutes and make me feel like i am so special to him! his temper goes off at the smallest of things and he can get so mad but then like i said , its like a light switch he goes back to being normal and loving! i have asked him to get help or look into it and he doesnt think its for him..but i seriously think he needs medicine or something...i don't want my girls growing up with a father that can be so mean...not physical but mentally (which is just as bad in my opinion especially to girls) ! that is my bipolar problem and i don't know what to do to convince him that some help would be better than no help at all...for himself, our relationship, and the girls!

and then there is my issue :

now about 3 1/2 months ago he cheated on me for the first time in our entire relationship! i was living about an hour away from him with the girls while he was training for a management position ( the training happen to be in a college town) ! We had been arguing alot and something he has never done before is he went out to the bars in the college town to chill out, once again never has he turned to alcohol (his dad was an alcoholic), He got extremely intoxicated and ended up going home with a girl he works with...he says he doesn't remember driving there but he does remember sobering up in the middle of it and telling her he had to leave (this was confirmed by his friends, that he told them the same story) he manned up and confessed it to me crying his eyes out! but i wasn't ready to give up on us...i could tell how sincere he was ( i can count on one hand in 4 years how many times he has cried) he wanted "us" to come home with him, as in me and the girls! so we moved here with him in the college town, but i need help because i can't stop the smart remarks about it or if we go out for a night without kids, i always somehow bring it up and its really starting to affect our relationship...obviously i'm not over what he did but i need to know if there is some way to move on with our lives. i have a bit of my mother in me that likes to stay jealous, angry, basically the "B" word! and i had told him that i can forgive but not forget...but the way i always bring it up is killing us...i know this is alot but please help me PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]

[Jennifer]

as far as your first part, if he doesn't believe that he has a problem, there will be no convincing him of anything unless he is ready to accept treatment, and loosing you and the girls might not even be enough to make him understand that he has a problem.

and the second part might be a part of the first. when you are in a manic phase you do things that you would not normally do so if he agrees to get help with the first thing, it would be easier for you to forgive. Some people never stop with the comments and they stay together and are unhappy, some people won't accept it at all and break up without any discussion and some find it in their hearts to forgive but few and far between find it in their hearts to forget completely and it is something that is part of your relationship. there are always two parties in cheating and circumstances that surround the cheating that both parties are involved and the party that cheated is the one that is in the wrong, but there was always events leading up to the cheating. those are what you should be figuring out and working on in order to move forward.

[i need him in my life]

thank you so much for your advice...i think i understand! but let me make sure! are you saying that the bipolarness might have been one cause of him cheating? i mean i understand that you said there were probably things leading up to the cheating but do you think some of it is the condition as well? and yes before he cheated like i said we weren't living together and he wasn't spending anytime with us like he had promised...he would come see us on a day off for like an hour or so and then seemed like he had better things to do, so of course that caused us to begin fighting all the time! i just felt like everything was so unfair...that he was getting to go out without any responsibilities and left me with every single one of them! so i was angry! and not to mention it felt like he was living the single life and he was ...going out to bars w/ friends and all...almost like he wasn't wanting to face the reality that we were about to have our second child! and i have told him these things! he will mention how good some place is to eat at and i will be like when did you eat there...because we had no money to be spendig on out to eat or bars! and i say this cuz it makes me so angry that while we were suppose to be saving money he had nothing to show for it and during the last two weeks of my pregnancy i lost 8 pounds cuz i wasn't eating cuz we had no money and i wanted my daughter to eat more than i wanted to feed my face! and i told him that too...he thought i was joking i think but i assured him it was very much the truth...but he got better like i said moved us up here and all, said he didn't want to lose us..but things have gone wrong with his job and he is just being so distant from me ...completely shutting me out or getting angry at really small things...

[Jennifer]

My answer was based on your assumption that he is bipolor which he might be or not, bipolors have implusive behaviors in manic stages, but it also sounds as if you two were having a lot of stress in your life. I do hope that things are more stable for the two of you now and you are able to feed your children what they need.

As far as him being distant, is this something new or has he always clammed up when things get bad. Men mostly don't have the ability to communicate and don't want to as much as women do. If they do know how it is because they have been taught this skill by someone but it is not natural to them.

You are bringing up things from the past and that is great because we are trying to get to the bottom of things, how are things in the present and how would you like things to be in the future. do you see him making an effort now?

[i need him in my life]

sorry this is sooooo long:

we do have plenty of food for everyone now..that is absolutely no problem! he has put a roof over our heads and food on the table and been able to allow me to be an at home mom for right now...mostly because the cost of daycare for two that are so small wouldn't equal out a paycheck for me!

and yes he has always clammed up when things get bad! and i come from a very expressive family (even the men in my family wear their hearts on their sleeves) but he comes from a family that is way different than mine! for example, when we had our first daughter and he came out in his scrubs to see everyone i was told that my entire family gave him hugs and told him congrats but his own mother came over and patted him on the back and said nothing! he doesn't talk about his life growing up much and from what i have seen myself and then heard from his childhood friends and his own brother , it wasn't the best! His mom even yells at the dog and calls it a "B" word! so i have no doubts that him being bottled up has alot to do with how he was raised! and i wonder if that is why he has always gotten annoyed when i get emotional cuz he isn't use to a woman being that way!

as of right now , he says he is going to let his guard down or at least try and to tell you the truth everything was going very well other than the fact that he has always gotten mad at the smallest of things and then is happy 2 seconds later...that hasn't changed...but over last weekend stirred a few issues on my part and his!

we went out in the college town we live in for the first time since i moved up here! our girls were being watched overnight by family so i found it the perfect time to try to reconnect with him! so we went to the popular bar in town ...i tried so hard to sit there and not wonder if "she" was gonna walk in the front door! i mean i was havin a blast dancing with him and i think i had like 2 drinks (which for a person who has been pregnant for the past 2 years was alot) but anyways so i kept finding myself looking around wondering if she was gonna show up and how i would keep my composure! he could tell it in my face, so he said if she showed up i had nothing to worry about , he loves me and is going to marry me! so the night went on , us having the time of our lives...until last call was said over the mic! the group of friends we were with started heading for the door so we could beat the rush, i thought he was behind me when i turned around all i saw was his drunk butt hugging a girl i didn't know (it wasn't her) but heart failure went through me and i went over and grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me and in not such nice words ask who she was! from there he did nothing but get in my face and yell ,,even outside so loud that the cops outside came over and asked him to leave...from there he told me it was over, that he couldn't take this anymore..i was confused! the next day we went to pick up our girls and not a word was said the entire time..until the next day! after both of us arguing and crying he wants to give "us" a little longer to see if we can work this out! i guess i just don't understand that he wanted to end it in that instant cuz i pulled him away cuz he was hugging an unfamilar face when i was willing to give him another chance when he cheated! i am probably making excuses for myself but i almost find it my right to be so causious around girls i don't know that are touching my man! but then i know for a fact that's the jealousy of my mother in me!

in the future i would love to marry him...besides our kids , he is my world! and i honestly think we can pull threw this, i really do! so many people these days call it quits and don't even try hard to pull threw! i'm pretty strong when it comes to my emotions and maybe i shouldn't have freaked when he hugged her ( a lady from the store he works at with kids and i think a husband...i didn't know this at the time) i just want life to be back to normal...i want him to see how much he has and how much he has to lose! i love him so much! and so do our daughters!

[Jennifer]

besides the cheating, I don't think that you can base your relationship on a drunk fight, they don't count and when two people have had too much to drink, it usually ends up in a fight. the problem is that you keep on going back to him cheating and its the cheating that you cannot get over even though you keep on saying he is your world and you love him. yes, he needs to be in the dog house for awhile, but every new instance is not the old one. are you insecure in yourself or is it just your relationship?

Your guy is trying and yes at some point he will get too frustrated with being in the dog house and you will have to decide if you have it in you to forgive him for what he did and start trusting again.

He doesn't know what love is and you do so it sounds as if you need to teach him and he needs to learn from your family how to love completely.

[i need him in my life]

lol... i guess these topics should have been put in the relationship portion not the bipolar one cuz it seems the more we narrow it down the more it seems like my problems and not his! and i thank you for that!

to be honest, i am very insecure with myself! ever since we had our first daughter over a year ago and my body just looks gross! and now that i have had another baby girl recently i am at my biggest weight ever! and i know that is my problem...i've never been the skinny girl but i've never been the fat one either! on the positive side i did just start a life changing diet..not a fad diet an actual change of eating and exercise thanks to some good friends that are into weight training! so far i have lost 5 pounds and i'm having more energy! but it just seems that every other girl our age or even that we hang out with is so much more fit and looks so much better than me! i know i just had a baby 3 months ago and another a year before that but i just feel like i should go back to my old body asap and that's not happening! so in answering your question i don't think its our relationship i'm insecure about , i think its myself thinking he is looking at every other girl in the room but me! cuz i feel so gross looking!

i just know i don't want to push him away with my insecurities! i'd like to change and i'm trying! i understand that if i keep dwelling on this cheating thing and not forgive its not healthy for me or him! i do want to forgive him and trust him again and not flip over any girl he so much as says hi to! help me , how do i go about starting to change this?

[Jennifer]

it sounds to me based on what you just said that you are making changes and the better that you feel about yourself, the better that you will feel about your relationship. Let him know how you feel and that you are not saying it so he will make a response, just so he knows that you feel frumpy and still pregnant and taking care of two small girls on top of that is all that you can handle right now.

glad to hear that you are making lifestyle changes and it will happen for you, it does take time and you had two babies back to back which makes it twice as difficult. Love is not about physical apperance, it is about what is inside, it sounds as if you are a great mom and i'm sure your girls are doing wonderfully.

Happy mother's day

[i need him in my life]

thank you for your encouragement! i needed that! and mother's day was great! i started the day off upset cuz he left for work without telling me bye and love you, like he ususally does...so i instantly thought the worst! but i calmed myself and didn't think about it and didn't say a word to him(we sometimes text while he's at work) ! just spent the day with my girls! he came home around 4:50pm and handed me a card, inside it said love zoey, avery, and dad..and then it said " we love you " ...since he has been distant it meant so much just to see that! then i was in the kitchen and he was like , " that's not all i got you"...and i started crying..he was like why are you crying so i hugged him real tight and told him that i didn't think he would get me anything cuz i didn't know if he loved me enough..but then he just held me tighter till the 1 year old started whinning cuz i was hugging her daddy...ha ha..then he headed outside and pulled flower pots, soil, and flowers out of his car, he said it was so i could plant flowers with our 1 year old...so her and i dug in and planted while he grilled out for me ...he fixed the ENTIRE meal! the girls went to sleep and we spent the rest of the night snuggled on the couch watching movies! then instead of sleeping on the couch like he has been he actually slept with me in our bed! he hasn't been that way with me in a long time! it really felt good...it made me feel like everything was going to be okay! but i'm not going to jump the gun here , i'm still going to work on my insecurities and keep up the process of forgiving him...which i will be put to the test next weekend when he attends a bachlor party and yes they are going places where girls are stripping! so i will for sure be put to the test , but i think i can do it! i just need to not get jealous or drill him with a thousand questions i believe! but ya that's my story from mother's day! i hope and pray things are turning around!

[Jennifer]

Glad that he came through for you yesterday and that you are being realistic about what you can expect from him and yourself. forgiveness is a process that will take time and its always a good idea to work on yourself in order to make yourself feel better. happy planting!

[i need him in my life]

okay now i'm having a small issue...really its a rather big one! i am tryin my hardest to give myself a make-over from the inside out! i have successfully lost 7 pounds so far and its only been two weeks since i started my diet of just eating healthy, no salt no sugar and exercising! so i'm feeling better already! but i'm having a hard time convincing him that i'm ready to move on...i feel like i'm ready to put the past in the past, and no i won't forget his cheating but that doesn't mean i have to think about it everyday or sit and dwell on it and wonder where he is or who he is talking to! i am putting my trust in him! but i need him to see this! i even went and told him a family secret...that my grandparents had the same problem when they first started having children back to back...i'm not sure if this is true but i was told a lot of couples have some kind of problems around the newborn years? well anyways, my grandpa cheated on her and now they have been HAPPILY married for over 40 years! 5 kids, 13 grandkids, and 2 great grandchildren (mine)! if you bring up that woman's name you can see it in my grandma's face , she gets irritated still...but they moved on she forgave him and put her trust in him! my fiance just keeps being negative..he says he doesn't think i'll ever be over it and all i can tell him is just like my grandparents that no i'll never be over it but i can move on from it and quit letting it run our lives! please help me in helping him understand or is there anything i can do?

[Jennifer]

you don't have to tell him anything, just show him by your actions and then he will believe you. I'm sure he is hesitant to believe your words because of your actions.

Glad that you are feeling well and yes, lots of couples have trouble in the newborn years and there is even a statistic that if you make it past 7 years, then you have more of a chance staying together. Life is hard when you have newborns and it changes everything, hopefully for the better.