DEALING WITH A BIPOLAR GIRLFRIEND

[out of ideas]

As you can see from my screenname I am "out of Ideas" when dealing with an apparently bipolar/co-dependant girlfriend. I am new to this scene and hope to get a little advice. I tried counselling but she wont go. I've got a lot of stories to share. Thanks....I'm desperate and I'm out of Ideas.

[Jennifer]

Okay, glad your here, pick a share and go for it! Tell us what is going on.

[out of ideas]

Thanks for responding ..she is not under a doctors care. The counselor at "brief therapy" at the local university only listened to me and does not offer advice I was told so I discontinued going "by myself". Her diagnosis comes from other people I've shared stories with not a doctor. She in not on Meds, does not drink ,smoke or use drugs. it takes two, unfortunately she is convinced I am the one with the problem. She is separated from all her relatives so they can't see what's going on.She is 48, I am 42. She is a Leo and I am a Taurus I'm told it is an immpossible combination.
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She is the best friend you could ask for but immpossible to have a relationship with. She has had little experience in dating. She met a guy after high school and got engaged but took off and hid until he went away because he was "too controlling" and "put his hands on her".
After the engagement she only worked non-stop and avoided dating for approximately 18 years until she had "rescued" 7 dogs and met the guy that worked at the pet store who relentlessly pursued her. I met her through dance as she was getting back into it after ending the 5 year relationship with the pet store guy . She ended that relationship a year before I met her.Apparently he became Physically abusive and moved away.
Then she met another guy through dance before me who she dated for about 3 months before they had a fight and she got "in his face" and he punched her in the right eye and detached the retina. After surgery she has lost 90% of the vision in that eye.

I met Her about 3 months after she stopped seeing the guy who blinded her...she did not have him arrested and never sued him . She even continued to see him until she walked into his house unanounced "because they used to go to the movies on Sundays" only to find him in bed with another girl and He threw her against the wall and called the police.

that's a little about her background....TO BE CONTINUED, Thank you for reading

[Jennifer]

sounds like she has had a rough past. is she motivated for the relationship? are you commited to this relationship?

[out of ideas]

Answer: She claims she is in love with me,she is my biggest critic but won't go away so I guess she is commited. I do love her and want the best for her and want to see her happy even if it's with someone else. I don't see an end in sight but I also can imagine a future.

HOW IT STARTED…
We have been having a relationship a little over 2 and a half years now. Actually, it has been more like a week and a half relationship followed by a 2 and a half year breakup or Rollercoaster ride. We had a mutual attraction at dance and ran into each other at a dance weekend in a nearby city.

We danced all night and had a great time. we exchanged numbers and the next day she called me and asked if I was going again that night I said I was tired but I would. She told me that if I was tired she got a hotel room there and I was welcome to take a nap if I wanted. So, I brought a change of clothes and a toothbrush, well after another great night of dancing I was leaving and she asked me if I wanted to stay in her hotel room. I said ok. When I got up to the room I saw that it only had one bed, I was a little nervous because I figured she wanted to be with me.

I took a shower and then she took a bath then she joined me in bed in her pajamas. After chatting for an hour she was wondering why I was not sleeping. She asked “do you want to see how I kiss or something? I said yes.

We kissed for a while and I asked for a massage. I explained that I was not used to sleeping in the same bed as a girl and would be a little too aroused to sleep so the massage became sensual. We both got to sleep and got up to take dance classes the next day.

She now says I should have left when I saw one bed in the room if I couldn’t handle it. She keeps calling it a one night stand when it was a 10 or 15 minute kissing session and I got a massage . I asked if I could give her a massage and she declined

AFTER READING THE ABOVE STORY COULD I GET SOME INPUT. AS LONG AS I LIVE SHE WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN. SHE SAYS I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER AND HER GOOD NATURE BY LETTING ME STAY IN THE HOTEL ROOM SO I WOULD NOT HAVE TO DRIVE. PLEASE TELL ME …WAS I OFFBASE TO ASSUME THAT SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME THAT NIGHT ? SHE WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET IT.

[out of ideas]

SAGA CONTINUED:
then she changed on me....

Since the night we hooked up at the dance weekend I had a little trouble getting her to see me again but she did and ended up staying the night at my house and came over to spend the night for a week and a half and all the while getting to know me better and gleaming information from me about my brothers ,parents, childhood and being raised in a religious home. Then she wanted me to take her to church which I had not been to regularly in a couple years it was all good and we went to church.

Within a couple days she changed on me. She demanded I go to the pastor and make things right or she was going to call my sister and brother and tell them how I took advantage of her and tell them that I’m a gigolo as well as everyone in the dance community and proceeded to call her friends to cry to them and drag them in on it. That was our first all-night fight. The first of many which consist of her verbally abusing me usually by phone after I am asleep and calls to bring up an issue that occurred that day or at any point since I met her and includes rehashing every issue that we have ever had till the sun comes up.

My choices are 1) let her have her way 2) take the abuse and get no sleep . 3) hang up the phone and have her show up at the house to fight at 2am and wake up my tenants and possibly have them call the police or decide to move out. 4)run away and sleep in my truck at the train station …which I’ve done a dozen times 5) call the police myself ….they’ve been here about 5 times, one time with 4 guns pointed at me.

At some point during the first month she had me on my cell phone so much I was in danger of a huge bill so I got a plan with unlimited mobile calls. She now has me on the phone 24/7 NO JOKE. Awake/ asleep….all day/all night. If I loose the call at 3am and don’t know it she calls back upset that I didn’t call her back immediately. And she monitors me all day long God forbid if the FEMALE cashier asks me “did you find everything alright?” She freaks out.

One of her sayings is “why get used to something …just to get unused to it? “

She told me that she had her nieces staying with her a few years back. When they left she was so distraught that she got in her car and drove cross-country .I asked her if she thought maybe I might not be treating her so badly as she claims and maybe she is very emotional but she never answers the question.



No more dancing…
I took her dancing a few times in the beginning and she ended up causing a scene on 3 different occasions and I decided not to do that again. Just one example … we were dancing exclusively with each other one night at a ballroom although we both knew other people.
She told me to ask an older lady I knew to dance and before we left I said no but she insisted and she would not let up. So, I asked the older lady to dance…. the song was not even over when a younger lady I knew seeing her opportunity grabbed me for the next dance. My girlfriend was furious and stormed out of the ballroom and was screaming in the parking lot. I left the woman in the middle of the dance floor and drove home being screamed at the whole way.

Why it is so hard to end it…..

She won’t go away. She has even ended it me and then drives around the block and comes back crying hysterically. It makes me feel so horrible. The first time she did that I knew I could not end it without getting her in some sort of counseling first.


She’s killing me ….I have enough stress in my life with the current housing market. I am stuck carrying an “investment property” that is costing me a thousand dollars a month.

The almost weekly “all-nighters” as I refer to them when she fights with me till the sun comes up and more recently spilling into the next day and night because it takes longer every time to fight about every issue we have ever had. This has caused me to pay for acupuncture to help me with stress.

I “disappeared’ for as long as 10 days after finding out she co-owns her house with a guy who sleeps there on occasion. She told me she ”got him to make me go away“(although she now denies saying that)…so I did, after hiding out for 10 days I came home at midnight to find her walking in the alley behind my house.

She’s convinced I treat her badly. I’ve tried to be the person she wants me to be but that does not make her happy. She said she is looking for the “perfect relationship”. I gave up any social drinking (I never know when the cops will be at the house), She won’t let me go to the beach( because there are girls there) when I say she won‘t let me I mean if I do she will make me wish I hadn‘t. I gave up coffee for her. As well as dancing. We can’t go any where or I’m accused of looking at other girls. If a girl walks by I’ll look the floor and I’m still in trouble.


I have been pushing the idea of counseling on her. I wish I did'nt feel so bad about it. It never should have lasted 2 and a half YEARS. Thank you for reading all my problems..

saga continues.... She tried ending the relationship on new years eve sa
ying that as far as she is concerned I'm dead in 2008. She showed up the next morning as if everything was fine and I refused to answer the door and told her she had to leave and if she caused a scene I would call the police. She refused to leave and was causing a scene so I had the police come again. After 2 days of looking over my sholder and driving around the block before I go home She ambushed me in the the driveway shaking and saying how much she loves me. Thank you for reading and thank you for your advice.

[Jennifer]

As far as your first night together, she would never let you live it down regardless. It is her guilt that she is transfering onto you. People do that all the time and it is so they do not have to feel guilty about anything themselves.

As far as therapy goes, you are trying to have a relationship with someone that does not know how to have a relationship. Sounds like the only therapy you need is to how to break away. You are not going to help her by "enabling" her. There will be a time, when she will realize that she needs help. Untill then, all you can do is work on yourself.

You need to refocus on yourself and get your life into order. There is no reason why both of you need to be so unstable. Be there for her, but in your mind, be the best friend that you and her are and work on yourself for now.

[out of ideas]

Thank You again, I'd like to think that if I took a poll most people would agree with me on our first night together. That if she didn't have any expectations in sharing a bed then she should still know better than to give the other person the wrong idea.

I have been just trying to be a friend lately and that has gotten me in trouble too. Being intimate is not her thing she says she can not handle it but I get in trouble now and she'll start fighting with me if If I don't pounce on her when she is here. She says I am "done with her" and " ready for a new girl" and I just was using her.

I wish I knew how to break away but if you could see how hysterical she gets you might understand. I try to avoid conflict with her but when she is fighting with me I tell her "do you really think this is working?" and that there is no future.

I try not to call her back when I lose her call at 3 or 4 am...(she is on the phone 24/7) and lately she hasn't shown up pounding on my window.

She quit her job 2.5 years ago as a physical therapist(without telling me) after she helped me paint a house that I bought to resell, she was thinking she'd be working with me from then on.

The market crashed and I still have the house ...it is in foreclosure. She still has no job but has money in the bank.

Her birthday is coming up in 2 days and just like Christmas etc. She is not happy with any gifts , the only thing that would make her happy is a ring. I tell her you don't make something permanent that isn't working.

Every time I have a disagreement with her she gets her way...because I ask myself "do I really want the police here?" and the answer is always no....because she says"you can't win with me".

[Jennifer]

I hate to be the one to say this, but you would need to but a restraining order on her in order to end this relationship. She will need to seek counseling on her own. You cannot change her and it sounds like she wants to blame you for everything. Doesn't sound like you can handle it and your own life is going down hill.

If you love her and want to stay with her, then that is another story, but it does not seem like your mental health can handle it.

[out of ideas]

I appreciate your advice...I believe you are right. I thought of that (getting a restraining order)after having the police here several times. I came very close to getting a restraining order however I did'nt want to hurt her chances( or get called as a witness) if she tried to file suit against her last boyfriend who punched her in the eye. Her eye required surgery without insurance. She told me the other day that her lawyer collected on an out of court setllement. Therefore I do not have to worry about that any longer. If you have any ideas on how to get someone help that doesn't want help, I'd appreciate it. I went to the local university for brief therapy by myself but discontinued when they said they do not offer advice. I was hoping to get some help there. If I did'nt have a house in forclosure I'd try to throw money at the problem so I wouldn't feel so badly leaving someone who is emotionally unstable.

[Jennifer]

I am telling you how to get someone help that doesn't want it. You have to back off and give her a reason to want to get better. If she loves you and wants you and your condition is that she needs to be more stable. You will be doing her more of a favor that what you are doing now. She needs someone in her life to take a stand for her and it sounds like you are the one to do it.

Only if you are motivated for change can you do well in therapy. You went with an impossible request and it was not about you, it was about her. I believe that you do need therapy and all the support that you can get to get yourself back on track and get her the help that she needs. Look up the term ENABLER for me and tell me if you think you resemble that term.

[out of ideas]

You're right. I'm an enabler but not by choice. I'll have to work on breaking away...if she didn't get hysterical it wouldn't be so difficult..I let her pick the fights so one of the next big ones that require the police I will have to get a restraining order. I also have her threatening to blackmail me. She's been threatening from the very beginning to contact my elderly aunt and sister to tell them I'm a gigallow that abuses women. So after 2.5 years of her threatening to hurt my reputation with my family, I'll just have to hope she doesn't. Thanks again for your help...I' ll let you know how it turns out.

[Jennifer]

Okay, good luck, call your family and let them know what to expect and get some support to help you through this.

Of course she is the one in control, she is the one that needs the help. Good luck.