Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[mixedsimplicity]

I apologize in advance because I am sure that you get this all the time; however, my finances limit my involvement in therapy and this appears to be my next best option. I am trying to rearrange some things to get insurance to cover therapy but I am also scared about what that might mean for my life. In short, I am concerned that I may have been battling bipolar disorder for awhile now without realizing it. A friend of mine suggested that I should consider it and I am trying to take the time to do so.

I have to confess that I don’t think I am but I have tried to look at the symptoms objectively. I find it a lot easier to say I have just had several episodes of depression because everything else just seems normal to me.

I began dealing with depression at a young age; in elementary school I can remember having bizarre thoughts of hopelessness or a morbid preoccupation with death at which time no circumstances seem to have spurred on. During junior high, I believe I had a full blown episode of depression which lasted approximately four years. My symptoms during that time were classic: sleep disturbances, apathy, unexplained crying, and physical pains. I could go on with others but suffice it to say it was quite unpleasant. I attributed this depression to circumstances; I had a terrible time in high school relating to my peers and was the frequent target of bullying.

After those four years, I thought I had been through the worst of it, but depression crept back into my life at odd times. Sometimes for very brief periods and sometimes longer, but never as long as my first episode.

The Last semester of my college career, I had yet another terrible low. It was accompanied by drastic changes this time, I cut off all my hair, began using inappropriate language more frequently, and I still maintained symptoms of my earlier bouts with depression. However ,this did not last the entirety of the semester. Towards the end I had an extreme shift in emotions with no apparent explanation. My circumstances were exactly the same as they had been. I was completely optimistic about life ( I have never been optimistic about anything) and was sure that I would find my dream job, but I was also careless. I have always abided in rules and began to break them. I went on a drinking escapade with my friend and felt deep shame and guilt afterward. There have been other occasions after this that I have begun to do things that I wouldn’t normally do, and I can’t seem to figure out why. I have tried to logically attribute them to circumstances or people pleasing, but I am not sure.

I have begun to question whether I have had episodes of mania. Any time I am not depressed just seems normal. During college I always had issues with my sleep, but that last semester of college, I either slept way to much or hardly at all. I would lie awake at night with more ideas than I could handle and all of them seemingly wonderful. It’s still the same now. I will have these moments of clarity that are unexplained and extremely creative, but I have so many ideas that it’s very difficult to follow through on any one of them. How do I choose which ideas to finish? Then the next day I am so depressed that I want to throw up – literally. Sometimes the smallest things irritate me. If I am very engrossed with a project at work and someone fudges or isn’t working the way I like, I am screaming on the inside. At other times, nothing seems wrong.

People have told me to ask my family whether or not they have noticed my mood swings, but I have always been painfully private. Someone told me once that depression is a selfish disease, and I have tried to let my issues only affect me ever since. I started self injury when I was in the midst of my first episode of depression. I think it is a way for me to deal with things without affecting others. I am not sure. Forgive my rambling. I set out trying to piece together a cohesive picture of my life, and somewhere it began to unravel.

I understand that this is not a place where diagnoses can be made or where significant therapy can occur, but I would appreciate any insight you could give. I am worried that if I do have it, medications will completely change who I am. I guess I have a lot of questions.

I again apologize for the length of this. Therefore, kudos to whoever gets through it.

Thanks very much.

[Jennifer]

have you taken our bipolor assessment yet? if not you should. not sure why someone would say that depression is a selfish disorder whomever did was probably dealing with there own issues.

im not clear on why you believe you are bipolor except that people say you are, sounds as if you have ben depressed throughout your life and might not know what it feels like to be stable.

as far as medication goes it is not supposed to change you just put you into your natural state. hope the insurance works out because it sounds as if therapy could be helpful to you.

[mixedsimplicity]

Yes, I have taken a bipolar assessment and supposedly should pursue this further in therapy, and I agree that I may not be aware of what stability should look like. I am still rather skeptical regarding the effects of medication, but perhaps I will be able to overlook it if deemed necessary in the future.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond so promptly. I suppose I was looking for an alternate view from an outside source who might look at things with fresh eyes. It may have bee what I needed. Thanks

[Jennifer]

np, check in whenever you need to.