A wife with issues, but a good heart

[A husband in need]

This is a last resort for me. I am nervous about posting online where anyone can answer, but the responses seem to be from intelligent people who know what they're talking about.

My problem is both simple and complicated. It is (I assume) simple in that I have a wife who seems to be bi-polar because she can't control her emotions. I can't rely on her to be in a good mood when I come home, the simplest things set her off. A lot of OCD is involved as well, it is the primary trigger of her episodes. Any and all frustrations, no matter whether they are my fault (and sometimes they are) are put on me. Her aggressive and unpredictable behavior is almost a direct depiction of her mother. To put it shortly- her childhood was not great, divorce, anger, poor dispute resolution and occasional violence. Everything can be traced back to her family. The reason this is the simple part is that I believe that medicine can treat most of her issues. I believe this because she was for a time on Lexapro. The medicine showed her true colors, and they were beautiful. I let my guard down and was completely happy during that time. But the pills caused weight gain and she didn't want them anymore.

The reason it is complicated- she is fully aware of her problem. It tears her to pieces when she calms down and realizes how she just treated me. I am also troubled because I come from a very good childhood. I was raised to solve things through talking, understanding and sharing. Together, we have improved the way she reacts to problems greatly, but the improvement has stopped. I don't know where to turn, despite my ability to resolve disputes- conflict resolution has no meaning to her when she is in her "place". I am convinced at times that she is a completely different person in these times, someone who hates me and blames me for everything wrong with her life.

Medicine is not an option right now, because I want a REAL doctor (not a low cost community doctor) to determine what is right for her. Neither the doctor or the medicine are affordable for us. Finances, by the way, are one of her primary triggers. The situation is this- she loves me, I love her. And that will never change, no matter how she treats me because I know she doesn't mean any of it. But I grow increasingly concerned about the source of her feelings during these times. The hurtful things that she says are very consistent, and eventually I will come to accept them as the truth.

I have nowhere else to turn. I have no idea what advice you can offer. I worry that she is permanently damaged. And worse, neither of us are willing to bring a child into our lives until she is better. Our child will not have the same problems that she did, it is not fair. I will love her always, but the number of times I can hear "I hate you" from the woman I love is running out. I figured I would get used to it, but it gets worse every time. When she is in her "place" she says that we only stay married to avoid the trauma of divorce. She says that some people get divorced as the easy way out, we stayed married as the easy way out of our bigger problems. Of course, when she feels better she takes it back, but I am starting to wonder whether she is right.

I could go on for days, weeks, as I think about this every day. We are a young couple with two years of marriage, seven years together. I need to help her and I need to help us. But I need help. There are a thousand more factors to mention, but I would like to know what you think so far. Thank you for your time, your willingness to do this free of charge is an uncommon thing in this world.

-A Husband In Need

[Jennifer]

Hello:
You are not alone in your thinking and how you are feeling. sounds as if your wife understands that she has a problem and can intelliculty realize that she needs help which she does.

Now, the hard part, NO there is nothing you can do to help her. If your wife is bipolar, then she suffers from a chemical imbalance in her brain which is extremely hard to balance without medications. One of the main reasons tht people go off meds and yes it does happen all the time is

1. side effects
2. they think they are okay and can stop because the meds are working.

there are very few people out there that can manage their moods without medication in your wife's position

Of course I cannot tell you what to do about children, but in my opinion it would be a really bad idea. Her moods will increase with hormones and it is just a bad idea all around.

As far as what you can do to help her, that is the hardest part because there is nothing that you can do. she needs to be the one to do it and get the help that she needs. all you can do is get help, support and try to keep on convincing her that she needs help.

[A husband in need]

So, the basic conclusion is that we must wait until we can afford the medication until we can expect things to improve, right?

[Jennifer]

your wife suffers from a medical condition and if she had heart trouble or diabities then that would need to be fixed with medication as well. it is way too hard for her to do this herself and she does not know how. she needs to be stable then get education on her symptoms, what to look for, how she is feeling and when an episode is coming on. that is not easy to do.

i take the example of my asthma. i was forever in the emergency room when i was kid because i didn't know how to prevent an attack. as i have gotten older, i know when i cannot breathe, prepare in advance for cold weather and allergies and do what i need to do to keep an attack away.

took years to understand this. i know it sounds bad to say that you need medication, but you do and not all of them work and it is a hard time finding the right ones for your body with side effects that you can handle.

not an easy situaiton all around, i know but i am telling you the reality of the situation.

[A husband in need]

She also has tachycardia (not a confirmed diagnoses, but she has all the symptons). Is that related?

I know she needs the medicine, thank you for the confirmation. I don't know what else to ask you for. I think it just helps to write in this forum. she had another episode just now, after a wonderful day. We were perfectly happy, and it crashed. I am almost out. I am for the first time thinking about the idea of divorce. It's not an option, but I hate that the thought has entered my head. i don't like the thought that this could be the first step. I hate this life.

[Jennifer]

sharing helps and you can share as much as you want. as far as your situation goes, it is okay to be realistic and express your feelings. it is expected to have okay days and really NOT okay days. keep on venting

[A husband in need]

Everything is better. After things got as bad as they did, I had to tell her what I really was thinking- that the problem was tearing me away from her and she should be trying harder to get medicine. And we changed our financial priorities and she made the effort to see a doctor. She loved the doctor and was given a prescription. Nothing has been the same since. And we couldn't be happier with the medicine's results. I wasn't sure what to expect, I thought she might just be this happy, stepford wife kind of person, and that wouldn't be good. But, that's not how it is, she is the same person, my wife, be she treats both me and herself with respect now. She is able to concentrate in school and feels more capable of living her life. And we've even had a couple of arguments- they were fantastic. We talked and figured them out. She didn't overreact and I didn't get upset due to anything she would have otherwise said to me.
I wanted to make sure I posted this, in case anyone was keeping track of this thread. If anyone is considering medication and having doubts, all I can say is the doctor knows best. My wife and I can have a normal life now, it feels like. I even feel comfortable talking about maybe having kids now. Thank you for your support.

[Jennifer]

I am so happy for you two and yes it is wonderful that you posted because people need to realize that there is hope and help if you need/want it.

Just remember that your wife might get to a place where her meds will not work or she will want to stop taking them. Keep on encourging her to see her doctor on a consistant basis and keep on the meds even if she feels as if she does not need them anymore.