A Constant Struggle

[bcrich]

I'm tired of struggling with the same problems everyday. I hate myself and I feel that there is nothing in this world for me. My boyfriend tells me every day that I'm beautiful, smart and funny. I don't believe it. I see a fat, ugly girl when I look in the mirror and all I can think about most of the time is mistakes that I've made. Sometimes people laugh when I say things, my boyfriend says that it's because I'm funny. I feel like they're laughing at me as if there is something wrong that I'm not seeing. I feel like everyone is angry with me when I make mistakes and I'm really hard on myself. Some days I just want to die because I hate living in this world. It has gotten so intense that I rarely talk to people and I hate going out. I always turn down invitations because it scares me to be around groups of people. I get really nervous and my hands shake. People have noticed and have asked me why my hands shake. Of course I'm not gonna tell them I'm nervous! I don't like talking about how I'm feeling. It's hard enough for me to discuss it with my boyfriend(who is very suppotive of me). He practically has to pry things out of me most of the time and says that I push him away. I'm afraid of being close to anyone and am afraid I'll end up alone because I don't think anyone will ever be able to truly understand me, accepting me along with all my faults. This has been a constant struggle for me.
Christina

[Jennifer]

So how is it that with all that you feel about yourself, you have not been able to push your boyfriend away? How are you in your relationship?

[bcrich]

He really does love me and thinks I'll get better if I just try. The only problem with us is that it's hard for me to trust. He has never done anything to betray me but I feel that I don't have any trust left to give. He deserves to be trusted but I just don't know how. I believe that trust is something you need to have in order to make a relationship last but I just don't have it in me anymore. How can we ever last no matter how hard we try if I can't seem to trust him?

[Jennifer]

Sorry, might be reduntant, but why don't you trust him. You say that you do not have trust in you, can you explain that to me and maybe to yourself.

[bcrich]

I was in a 7 1/2 yr. marriage that ended suddenly 2 1/2 yrs. ago. He had a drug habbit that he hid from me for years and he was always lying to me about things. Our house was the hangout for all our friends and I eventually grew exhausted from this. We had a new baby in the house and most of my concern was for him. People were always drinking and so on. I've never been a big drinker although I don't mind having a few once in a blue moon on the weekend or something. I feel that babies and kids shouldn't be exposed to that sort of environment. I really just wanted to be a family but I started to realize more and more that he didn't want the same things. Our friends didn't really understand because none of them had children so I felt all alone. He kept disappearing with 2 different girls on several ocassions and I began to feel insecure. One of the girls was my best friend who was married. I tried telling my husband what I was feeling but he would just say that they were good friends and that I had nothing to worry about. He went to her and told her everything and she would give him advice like, "Maybe you guys need to spend some time apart." He would listen to her. There is so much more but this could go on forever and I need to try and get some sleep later. He began going places without me often which made me feel like an outcast. She would buy tickets to go see his favorite bands and they would go without me. She started dressing like me and was too touchy feely with him. She began calling his friends, his cousin, and even his parents to tell them all about the problems we were having. She would always ask him about our relationship and he would tell her everything. One night he disappeared for no reason at all. The next day rolled in and still no sign of him. I was at home with the baby and our car was in the shop. I was so worried. I thought something had happened to him since he had never done this before. I filed a missing person report with the police and a policeman came to my house that same day to tell me he was OK but that he couldn't tell me where he was. I cried and cried because I loved him. He went through the girl I was telling you about to give me messages. I decided to leave him. I went to my parents house in East TX. I ate one meal in the whole 2 weeks I was there. The thought of food made me feel like throwing up. My neighbor called me sometime within that 2 weeks to tell me that all of our friends were hanging out at my house while I was in East TX like I had never even been there. One of the girls he kept running off with stayed the night in our home the very first night I was gone. I can't describe to you how betrayed I felt. Later I came back but not to be with him. I asked him to leave and he did but he made my life really hard for a year after that. He moved in with the girl he had stay over the night I left. He would call, have other people call and say things to me. He broke in and stole food from my freezer. He did so many things to hurt me and I still don't understand why. I later found out that he had slept with the person I thought was my best friend. There are so many other things but it is a long story to tell. This is why I have trouble trusting.

[Jennifer]

Yes, that is a long story, but the most interesting part about it is that I did not see any mention of your current boyfriend. It sounds like your husband picked drugs over you and your life together and you are better off without him. You need to ask yourself, why you are still allowing him to hurt/affect you and your current relationship. It would seem that you need to start someplace and talking to your current boyfriend and working on your relationship seems like a good place to start and maybe even a new foundation for your life.

[bcrich]

You're right. I guess I've just been worried that all guys are the same. I feel as if there is something that lies far deeper though. I have trouble remembering things. I'm only 28 and this shouldn't be a problem for me so soon in life should it? I catch myself making careless mistakes......little things like catching myself putting things in the wrong places and forgetting what I'm wanting to say. I end up stumbling over my words sometimes. These are the days when I try not to engage in conversation because I know it will be especially difficult for me. I have a hard time even being around people. It takes everything I have inside myself to walk through Wall-Mart or even the Shell station. On the outside I'm just a normal girl but on the inside I feel like I'm wide open to be read by everyone. There are times when I forget what I'm doing or I won't remember anything from the day before. I haven't had this problem so much in the past as I do now. It didn't come on suddenly either but has been getting worse over the past year and a half. I'm beginning to feel insecure about it. On the really bad days I feel like crying but never in front of anyone of course. The later it gets on those days (closer to bedtime) the worse I feel and this is usually when I break down right in front of my boyfriend. I feel so distressed inside that it becomes more like a dull ache deep in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I just want to die. I feel damaged. Imagine that you had some kind of physical issue happening deep within your body..............something that could be corrected with surgery......something causing a chronic pain deep within your abdomen that tormented you day and night to the point of it being all you can think about and taking every bit of strength you have left to endure it. You just need it taken out. Sometimes I wish someone could remove this thing that constantly nags at me. I feel as if a part of me is sick and if I didn't have a care in the world then I absolutely would just follow through with killing myself. Sometimes I feel angry that I even came to be of this world. I have trouble sleeping because this is all I can think about when I'm lying in bed. I there anything that can be done or am I just a hopeless case?

[Jennifer]

Well, as far as the remembering goes, YES it is normal to not remember things like you used too. As far as what is going on inside of you, NO, that is not normal. Have you ever received professional help for this? Besides your ex betraying you, what else has happened to make you feel like this. In order to feel better, you will have to forgive the past and forgive yourself. Let me know what else is going on.

[bcrich]

My mother died in a car accident when I was 7 and my father worked alot. He was remarried a year later and I feel like it was too soon. My step-mother had 3 children of her own and I was treated like an outcast. My step-mother (I'll call her Wendy) was horrible to me and would get angry when I would spend quality time with my dad. Wendy hated my family and was really mean to my brothers. She drove my two brothers to move away to their grandparents house because they couldn't endure how cruel she was to them. I was left alone with her since my father worked alot. Wendy called me names like selfish little b@#ch, brat, spoiled, stupid, etc. She never cared for my feelings. I lost my mother and Wendy was the furtherest from being the nurturing type. She let my step-brother beat me up and choke me. I was afraid of him at first but eventually grew angry and began to fight back. This is when she would break up the fight or tell my step-sister to break it up. She was a few years older than me and could easily overpower me. When I would cry from being beat up Wendy would say that I was being a little baby and that I deserved it. That was what most of my childhood was like and my father rarely saw it. The first few times I said something to my father I really paid it for after he went to work. It only got worse as I grew to be a teenager. I became extremely angry and would fight back. Wendy would slap me in the face if I ever questioned her about anything and would use God's word as a reason for punishing me. Because I had become so angry and lose my temper she began telling my father and other people in our church that I was possessed. She would say it right in from of me. There were some people who knew better but some believed her I think. I used to have terribly vivid nightmares that started at a young age up until now but they've tapered off some since I moved from East TX to SA.

[Jennifer]

Okay, this is now starting to make more sense. You were in an extremely abusive home and since you were, you were never able to develop a healthy self-esteem. It is really hard to start doing that as an adult, but you have to try. I think you do have children, how are they doing? What kind of home are they being brought up into?

[bcrich]

I have a three year old little boy and I never call him names. I could never bring myself to tear him down the way Wendy tore me down. I don't have any other children. One really great thing is that he and my boyfriend have grown very close. They spend alot of quality time together and he is everything a father should be. It's too bad that his real father (my ex-husband) isn't really involved. I love my little my little boy and my boyfriend. They're my family. We tell him every day how smart he is. We are sure to always talk to him when he is being scolded for something he did wrong, telling him why he is in trouble. We always make sure he undersatands that he is still a good boy and that we love him even when he makes mistakes. Our goals are to teach him right from wrong while keeping his confidence intact. I don't want him to go through the same things I did. I believe there is a purpose for his life and I want his life to be a positive one. As for me I am still broken and inside me is this huge void. I've been struggling with it most of my life. I don't allow my son to see me when I'm in a state of being depressed. I think that is why things get worse for me at night because all day I'm holding things in. I just want to get better so that all of us together will have a good quality life.

[Jennifer]

I knew that would be the answer and that is wonderful. You need to remember them and focus on your love for them. Have a great day!