Tendency for me to dwell on Negative thoughts

[Jennifer]

if you stop feeling bad about thinking what your thinking and just explore it and get it out of your system you will be a lot better off. You have an active imagination and it should be used to your advantage.

[jessiestaf]

I am honestly not sure what my problem is; It's as though my mind is looking for reasons for me to hate myself. I am no longer having thoughts about suicide, but now I am having thoughts about racism and hate.

I have no reason to have these thoughts, but I do have them, and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for them that I can't stand it.

As I've said before, this is not the first time I've had such thoughts; ever since I've been a little kid I've had periods where I have worried or felt guilty about ridiculous things about yourself; worrying that I was racist or gay or a Satanist or an Atheist or a pedophile or something like that.

Is there a name for that condition, where you constantly cast yourself into negative roles for the purposes of feeling guilty or ashamed of yourself?

[Jennifer]

no diagnosis, just looking for a reason to be down and not being able to appreciate the good inyour life, if i had to use a word, i would call it pessimistic

[jessiestaf]

Here's my latest Journal entry, I may post another one soon.

07/31/09
I am now convinced that I am not suicidal, because now it appears my problem is a far more reaching one.

Yesterday morning, while I was in Mcdonalds, I was deep in thought about religion. Namely the idea of theism vs. Atheism, I was having a problem with the idea that no matter what, one side of the argument was wrong, which for some reason disturbed me. So I decided to come up with examples of other people being wrong, and one such example was Holocaust deniers.

Of course, my mind being as it is, began to latch onto the idea and make me obsess over it and make me feel guilty about it.
It’s strange; whenever I encounter a world view that I dislike, I feel inexplicably drawn to it; and I begin to fear that this view is something I believe; and no matter what I do I can’t convince myself otherwise. It’s like my mind invents reasons for me to hate myself.

This is actually easier for me to write than I thought initially; I have always considered myself to be an open minded person and I am the least prejudiced person I know, But here I find myself obsessing over these ridiculous antiemetic conspiracy theories, the kind of insane crap Mel Gibson or Eric Cartman would spout off, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I am honestly at a loss for what to do; My dad tells me to let it go, but I don’t know how to do that; I can’t seem to make the gears in my head stop turning out these negative and hateful thoughts, and the worst part is that I know that once I finally do get over this, my mind is going to find something new to harp about.

I only hope that my therapy can help me get through all of this.

[Jennifer]

therapy will help and it does not sound as if you need help, but that you need people to talk too and socialize with and I have said that to you before. Your thoughts are intelligent ones and if you could debate with others and talk about them, they might not seem so wierd or obsessive to you.

[jessiestaf]

08/01/09
I think I finally found something worse than worrying about killing myself; the worry that I am a racist anti-Semite.

I know it’s not true (as much as I know I’m not suicidal), but it still dominates my mind, my thoughts drifting to these racist and hateful conspiracy theories about the Jewish people. I go to websites designed to combat these hateful and implausible theories, but they do nothing to assuage me, as my mind continues to flood with these hateful thoughts. Although the arguments against these conspiracy theories are valid, my mind simply wont let me let it go, and continually whispers hateful things to me about those who write and maintain these debunking sites I visit (many of which are maintained by people of the Jewish faith themselves).

I spent most of the day in my room, in bed. I didn’t leave, go out for a walk, didn’t listen to music or read my new RPG books (I don’t feel I deserve them). I talked to my dad about it, and he does reassure me somewhat, but it just isn’t enough.

I need to talk to someone else. But who? I don’t dare bring this up with my friends at work or online, (How could I without seeming like the racist monster I feel like I am), and my next therapy session is a week and a half away. In all honesty, I don’t even feel like socializing at current, I just feel like curling up into a little ball and sitting in the dark.

And of course, this all stems from a deeper issue; my penchant for self persecution; the casting of myself into various negative roles, placing myself into various negative mindsets, just for the express purpose of making myself feel guilty. Is there a name for this kind of condition (Self Persecution is just my name for it)? Is it common? Can it be treated with therapy and medication? I certainly hope so, cause if not I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

[Jennifer]

that is what therapy is for, when are you starting? you need someone to talk too that will not judge you and remind you that you just have thoughts and those thoughts will not harm you. you have an active imagination and it needs to be productive in order for you to flourish.

[jessiestaf]

[Jennifer]

glad to hear your talking it out and that you have a close relationship with your parents. also glad to hear that you are getting the help that you need.

[jessiestaf]

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I am still suffering from thoughts on these anti-Semitic conspiracy theories which are beginning to develop into paranoia. I desperately don’t want to believe these cruel and hateful theories, but something deep inside me keeps me fixated on them.

I go to countless different sights about fighting anti-Semitism, about debunking Holocaust denial and looking up the histories of the anti-Semitic writings which brought about some of these conspiracy theories, I even look up other conspiracy theories focused on other groups, such as the Catholic church and Atheists and Gays, but nothing assuages me, I just find myself rationalizing it to be part of the greater conspiracy, which I know is not true, but its like I feel in my heart it might be true, and that scares me.

Even the thought that I will soon be receiving medication for my depression does not help, because in my mind it makes me think that the medication is also part of the conspiracy, a way to keep me under control (even though I know that’s a lie, my mind can’t help but think it.)
Why am I having these thoughts, and why are the Jewish people the focus of this? Maybe it’s because I can’t stand the thought of myself as a racist, and because I’m looking for ways to isolate myself from other people. It’s a terrifying prospect.

The worst part about this is that it’s like I can’t tell truth from lies anymore; the worrying over religion that once plagued me has grown into a full on mistrust of common history. I know what the accepted history, and I used to accept it as fact; but now it seems that just because a racist and hurtful alternate history exists, that I automatically have to buy into it, just so I can feel bad about it.
I still intend to take the medication; hopefully it will help me before I get too far gone.

[Jennifer]

you are obsessing, i don't think the subject matter makes a difference. have you tried becoming interested in something else? paranoia what you are feeling is not depression and needs to be told to whomever is treating you and you need to deal with this pronto.

[jessiestaf]

I will be going to the doctor tomorrow in order to get some medication, and I do have a scheduled appointment with my therapist next friday. Do you think that will help?
EDIT: In any case, I believe I discovered what is wrong with me; I have OCD.

I looked up the symptoms of it on Wikipedia, and my dad confirms there is a history of OCD in our family (my Uncle has it, among others). Plus I found another message board where people are having or have had the same kind of thoughts I have.

In all honesty, this is a huge relief to me, now I know what to tell my Doctor when I next see him.

[Jennifer]

yep seems more on the lines of ocd than depression. glad to hear you are relieved and hopefully you can get on the right medication so you can get the help that you need. meds stabilize and therapy helps fix the problem. sometimes you need both, but you always need therapy with medication to get to the core of the problem.

[jessiestaf]

[Jennifer]

sounds good