Over the top anxiety

[speck211]

I've had anxiety for as long as i can remember, stemming mostly from very low self-esteem due to various reasons. im in my early 20's, non-smoker, non-drinker, recently a much better eater, but little exercise, youngest of three (older brother and sister).
About four months ago i fell ill with an odd illness that started as a sore throat, runny nose and remarkable fatigue. Just when it seemed to be going away, i had diarrhea and with it suddenly very severe reflux that burned my throat horribly. Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof for no real reason. i've had tummy problems and throat issues for years and they never caused me fear, just figured it was my general anxiety and nothing ever really came from it other than occasional, very manageable discomfort. But this diarrhea didn't stop and with my throat suddenly burning something just felt wrong. That night i mentioned to my mother "i think i should go to the hospital this is weird." But in the fashion of my non-alarmist family in denial, she said diarrhea happens and relax. i was able to somewhat do so with some maalox though a pain around my rib cage persisted. I woke up the next day feeling no better, if not worse, which has never happened to me before. i stayed home from work that night (i was on night shifts, more on that later), and noticed i felt incredibly weak and shakey. tried working the next two days, and friends there said i really looked like i had lost weight. after that i wasnt at work for four months.
went to a walk in clinic my last day of work, was told it was a virus but if i didn't feel better to take some omoxicillin the doc prescribed. took two, had a weird reaction of just light headedness and sweating and what not (possibly a panic attack as my mother had warned me i shouldnt take antibiotics so haphazardly) and didnt take anymore. finally made an appointment with my family doc for the next day.
my diagnoses went from a stomach virus exacerbated by the omoxicillin, then a hiatal hernia, then epstein-barr virus. after a physical examination from my doc, various blood tests, an abdominal ultrasound, and upper and lower gi barium swallow AND a colonoscopy and endoscopy, all that was revealed was severe reflux which the small hiatus hernia didnt fully explain, and the positive epstein-barr virus test.
During this time i stupidly started investigating my symptoms online which of course only brought up horrible things. i became more and more distraught and was unable to eat for ten days, only living off of soup broth and gatorade - this was partly mental and partly because it was just so uncomfortable with the reflux which burned right up into my sinuses causing nosebleeds even with liquids. i was unable to sleep, waking up every hour on the hour and never feeling rested. every time i saw my doctor my attitude was more and more despondent and negative and he first suggested that things could be magnified or worsened by my anxiety and prescribed ativan. i was veeery reluctant to take these at first, knowing the horrible effects they can have. eventually, desperate for maybe a good nights sleep, i took one. it did nothing. i took two a few days after that, again nothing. a few days or possibly weeks (its all been a blur) i took it regularly for about a month or so and then stopped because i started feeling more and more depersonalization.
also sometime during all this, i was by myself, thoughts racing as they had been doing for weeks, anxiety building until i just broke, and cried more and harder than i had done in years though not hysterically. this led to me crying every day though only in front of my family which i also had never done in years not even at my nanas funeral watching my aunties fall apart. i continued to scan the web like a maniac, posting on various websites with just endless rambling (like this post heh) looking for i don't even know what. i sat in my mothers bed all day, usually with her beside me since she stopped traveling for her work due to complications there, and she was forced to listen to my frequent refrains of "i want to go to the hospital, i feel like im dying, i feel weird, im scared, i wish i could make you understand, why doesnt anyone believe me" which is what my vocabulary consisted of for at least two months to the point where she was on the verge of a breakdown. my brother couldnt stand to be near me and was outright hostile to me in his frustration, i called my dad (my parents are seperated) daily, crying, and generally being crazy and miserable. i would go from anger, to only giving shrugs and one word answers, to occasionally snapping out of it and feeling relatively normal emotionally, though still rather ill. it truly felt like i had no control over my emotions, and would become increasingly frustrated when people would tell me to snap out of it, which i had always been able to do actually until this illness. I did have a panic attack at my doctors office, which he confirmed with an ECG at a facility in his building, and my mom described some of my insane behaviour (not all as im sure she didnt want me committed), and he said i had depression and actually was at risk of being committed to a psych ward. This led me to believe i was basically insane and started on THAT line of thinking with frequent refrains of "i think i should go to the psych ward, i feel insane, i feel schizophrenic, how long are you going to put up with me this isn't fair to you" and so forth and then to being terrified of being committed. he prescribed cymbalta and i took one. i felt fine at first other than the buzzing sort of feeling my doc warned me about and very light headed and tired, but i was on one of my i want to go to the hospital kicks even before i took it and had convinced my dad to come and take me to the ER. when he showed up i was debating whether or not i should go since id never been in hospital since birth except for maybe a virus here or there and never over night. when he showed up i was still unsure and i suddenly felt nauseous and started retching which didnt last very long but that clinched it and i went to the ER. blood pressure was practically spot on, doc said my blood work was pristine, i had a urine test, dont know results but i assume if they'd found something they would have called me, and my heartbeat was very fast 130 something. i didnt sleep at all that night. one thing i cant reconcile is that one night my mom and i came home (i had been following her everywhere she went hated to be alone even followed with her when she traveled for work), i sat down on the couch and she was in the kitchen preparing dinner and and she said something to me about how it was my turn to do the dishes as she was trying to get me to do things to get back into life, and i repsonded "mm" and she said "did you hear me?" and i said "yeah i said mm" and i dont know what happened after that. i had my eyes closed and my head sort of down on the arm of the couch for what didnt feel like more than a few seconds when i heard her say something along the lines of how quite my voice was getting and "i want my daughter back" of course i had been worrying about how this was affecting her and stressing her out and how i wished i could stop and all that and so i responded with something or other and then later it turned out she didnt even say either of those things...so i dont know what happened there whether i fell asleep, as sleep and awake are a bit blurry these days when im just waking up, and even when im awake i dont feel fully awake, or if that was an hallucination or what...but suprise, it terrifies me.
To date, i have calmed down somewhat though i dont feel much better. even with so much overwhelming evidence of nothing serious being wrong, i still feel as though im waiting for something horrible to happen. the depersonalization has gotten a bit better though i still feel so detached, not depressed just dream-like and at its worst i feel like i cant relate to any emotion except fear. I have trouble focusing visually almost as though im fighting not to go cross eyed or something, its worst outdoors or in some wide open place like a mall. mental focus is horrible as well though its been getting somewhat better, still cant read a book but i can watch tv a little better which i couldnt do at the beginning this is partly because i cant focus well visually plus the depersonalization (perhaps the two go hand in hand) so it just feels weird. i still feel very fatigued and still shaky when i lift something or bend over, though my activity has been limited. i started, with some pushing from my mother and myself with what little logic i have left, forcing myself to get out and go. i go for walks, out with friends (the poor things have been wonderful) and i just started going back to work. i eat better than i have in years, fruit, veggies, fish and chicken and primarily drinking milk, gingerale, and water though not much water because it makes me feel very full. i have muscle aches that radiate from my spine, along with numbness seconds after putting only a minor amount of pressure on a limb, and also muscle twitches and jerks though i havent slept flat on my back since this started because of the reflux which doesnt help very much just lessens the effects on my sinuses somewhat. the worst is a pain in my tailbone which has pressure on it most of the day as i sit most of the day propped up and layed out on a bed and also a strange pain in my rib area where my heart is though i dont think its my heart...all my joints crack with movement. my short term memory is dodgy. i have a constant sore throat and stuffed nose, sometimes waking with minor chest congestion thats cleared with a good cough or two. ive been sleeping somewhat better but still wake up every so often and never wake up fully rested. my period has been wonky having two in one month, sometimes light sometimes heavy, i have a vaginal discharge that of course concerns me though its probably no more than a yeast infection (which then scares me because i worry about a yeast overgrowth which i read can be impossible to get rid of), my hair seems to be thinning, my skin flakes, i have body acne, my ears ring, i urinate frequently and my stomach gurgles, bloats, and is very gassy. i dont seem to be gaining the weight back (went from 135 down to around 115 on a 5'1ish frame). my hears pounds, sometimes fast but always hard. i feel faint/light-headed 24/7. i have anxiety 24/7 with all thoughts occupied on my body and how im feeling, whether im insane, whether im going to suddenly turn suicidal or homicidal which i have absolutely no desire to become but am terrified of, and then i go from that to feeling like something must be neurologically wrong, or perhaps my endocrine system or heart or Lord knows what and then to thinking okay i have epstein-barr but its not getting better, so it must be chronic and now im going to feel this horrible forever. i feel as though if anything bad were to happen even remotely stressful, i would totally breakdown. i was starting to cope with all this until last night i took an allegra-d of all things and suddenly my stomach ballooned up and my anxiety went sky high again and i barely slept.
drugs i have taken are the maalox though havent taken that since the beginning of the illness, the amoxicillin of course which i only took two of, immodium which has only been taken here or there, ativan which i havent taken in months, cymbalta which i only took one of and that was months ago, and then for the reflux i took nexium which didnt help and was switched to prevacid which stopped the stomach burning and diarrhea but did nothing for the reflux other than take the acidic edge off and a stomach emptying drug which i only took for a week or so and stopped because again it did nothing except upset my stomach. and then the colonoscopy preparation laxatives. i currently only take prevacid 30mg once a day and occasionally a mutli-vitamin. ive also been to a mental health practitioner who diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and recommended drugs which just bugs me...and the gi doc said i might have esophegeal spasms though he wants to be certain before treating anything.
the point is everything scares me. the most major problems are the anxiety the fatigue, the weakness and the reflux. i dont know why i cant just trust my doctor and give it more time. this over-obsessing scares the hell out of me. it sucks being scared of yourself. i react to everything with fear even just a simple show on television. i hate what im doing to myself and my family its getting so bloody frustrating. i feel soo undignified and it is all extremely embarrassing but when im in it deep i cant help myself. i always feel like im acting when inside im freaking out though that was getting better too before i took this stupid allegra...i dont know what symptoms ive manifested and what if any are actually caused by something.
things that might have contributed to anxiety:
- was verbally abused daily at school by peers, leading to very low self-esteem
- have always hated conflict and confrontation since i was a toddler, so have always shied away from anything remotely related to that. have always felt a need to please others hate when others are mad at me or in front of me or what have you.
- my parents seperated when i was young, though i dont even remember feeling neglected by either of them (my mom moved out and lived no more than an hour away and called several times daily, visited almost daily) or feeling as though if i were a better child maybe it wouldnt have happened or any of that, though who knows what it does to a child. they argued but i dont remember anything particularly vicious about it. they were never outwardly affectionate, even a kiss seemed awkward between them they seemed more like buddies then lifemates.
- ive heard tales of my dad going through hell when he was a teenager, falling very ill to nearly the point of death and being told it was in his head, being thrown in a psych ward and nearly killed with insulin shock therapy, not being able to keep anything down even water, blacking out all the time, falling down to 98 pounds (hes fairly tall), until finally after six months of this he was diagnosed with addison's disease and even then a blood test was messed up and he was taken off the medication saving his life only to crash once again and then being put back on. hes in his 60s now but in my childhood he worked night shifts at an unsanitary sewage treatment plant which caused him to catch all manner of viruses which several times ended him up in hospital with vomiting leading to adrenal crisis. just a year or so ago when it was just me and my dad, he started with a stomach virus and i was the only one there i had to convince him to at least drive himself to the er since he wouldnt let me call an ambulance which resulted in a horrible drive to the hospital where he pulled over frequently to vomit and then just as we pulled up his blood pressure dropped and he was very weak and shakey and then spending all night with no sleep in the ER. horrible to experience, it used to be mother who would endure that and for months afterward i jumped at every sound he made worried he was vomiting again, it got to the point where i couldnt live with him anymore and moved to my moms.
also my brother was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was a teen (which i happened to diagnose before he even went to the doctor) and i received the call that the doctor gave to tell us he had diabetes, and then later after a year or so of vomiting, terrible stomach pains, weight loss and many hospitalizations with no answers (again i just knew something more serious than a virus was going on), he too was diagnosed with addisons disease on top of his diabetes. the thing is, these guys had some pretty unfakeable symptoms and evidence in the different tests performed on them that something serious was going on.
my sister recently had a cancer scare with some irregular cells in her cervix but they were lasered off and biopsied and shes a-ok.
- i was commuting 2 hours there and 2 hours back by bus roughly 5 days a week to work, which required rising quite early to get there for 7 am for a shift ending at 4pm. however the bus stop was very near to my house and took me right to the mall where i worked without a need for any transfers.
- i generally dont express my emotions well.
- my family did poke fun at or poopoo my neuroses, though now i think they're just scared for me
- my mom is a control freak still treats us as children for the most part, and my dad can be quite apathetic and in his own world
-in the past few years, moved from my childhood home to the city with my family minus mom, lived in a dive of a loft with no bedrooms and the only door being the exit to the apartment and the door to the bathroom heh. my sister brought her friends and boytoys through with little regard for the fact that we were right there and subjected us to her hobo gypsy lifestyle. then after a year of living there, lived in a somewhat nicer place which my sister convinced my dad to take on a whim and lived above a neighbour that wanted no noise whatsoever which my sister worsened again with her coming and going at all hours to the point where police were called.
- have developed other less maddening though equally intrusive irrational fears in my young adulthood like tornadoes though ive never seen one in my life and live in an area where one ha yet to happen, even demonic possession after watching the exorcist and being told it was based on a true story.
- have never dated, never had sex, barely kissed a guy because i cant imagine how i would endure the social situation of a date or the exposure of sexual relations, dont drink or do drugs for fear of losing control.
- did hurt animals as a child, never broke anything, cut anything, killed anything but i was a tail pulling, snout slapping, leash yanking, smothering and coddling trying to control kind of kid
- am in a profession i hate (retail) which is demanding though i was getting somewhat better at it and asserting myself there instead of taking their criticisms with a smile and an OKAY. am too afraid (of course) to go after the profession i love as i feel quite inadequate and unexperienced.

im so pissed because ive always been frustrated with my anxieties but have always viewed them as that - simple stupid anxieties and i knew it was all in my head and they didnt stop me from living and enjoying. i was even doing so much better with my confidence and feeling like i could actually be an adult someday soon heh. now ive regressed back to a five year old, needing constant reassurance and (not literal) hand holding. ive never felt like i wasnt in control or as if something beyond my control was causing all this. i felt like if i really tried and put effort into or sought help for it i could face my fears and eliminate them. now i feel practically hopeless, like im back at square one after years of building myself up. you can see how obsessed ive become with all this, all the thought ive put into it these past four months. what do you do when nothing puts you at ease, you never feel well or safe or calm and the weirdest things can set you spiraling, like an allergy pill? how do you cope with prolonged illness? i feel freakish even posting this because im not telling anyone i did it, im all over the place...how do i deal with his?

[Jennifer]

through out that story i head you mention pysch ward quite often in a negative term. the only reason you get admitted to a hosptial is if you are a harm to yourself or to others. at the height of your illness, it might have been a good idea but didn't happen so we will drop it.

no where you mentioned getting counseling? why not because it seems as if counseling is what you need the most in all of this. you need to learn skills on how to handle your anxiety and signs of when a panic attack is approaching. therapy/medication are not bad things if done correctly, they are very wonderful aspects and should be used when you need them.

[speck211]

yes the woman who did the assessment suggested counseling as well, but i would like something like cbt or psychotherapy but i dont think that can be covered by ohip (i live in canada) and i dont have the money for that sadly.

and i didnt mean to cast psych ward in a negative light, i was even thinking it was where i should be at one point, i dont know if you read my edit about thinking i heard my mother saying something and it turning out that shed said nothing at all. but yeah it would just be scary for me because it would mean a huge life change and admitting that this isnt something i can control with my own abilities.

and i only had one panic attack, otherwise its just a constant feeling of unease and restlessness which was even getting better until last night. and i already tried medication, the psych doc prescribed ativan again which ive already taken at 1.0mg dose with no effect other than the depersonalization and the cymbalta wigged me out very terribly i was up pacing ALL night on that bothering my mother in bed and i am not willing to put up with that for several weeks for a drug that may or may not work.

[Jennifer]

it is much harder and smarter to ask for help for something that you need help with, than to try to do it alone.

yes, canada is different but we have therapy options which are affordable http://www.completecounselingsolutions.com/sessions.php

having one panic attack is enough for a life time which i'm sure you can agree with. panic attacks are the result of increased anxiety over a period of time. our bodies tell us things sometimes that our minds do not want to face. your body was screaming at you to calm down and take care of yourself and was mad at you and showed it in many different ways.

[speck211]

believe me at this point im not afraid of or resistant to help. i still have to make an appointment with my gp and see what counseling is available in my area.
My main issue is dealing with this, if this truly is the epstein-barr virus which may be contributing to my fragile state. How do you live, feeling so horribly awful physically and emotionally? i dont believe i manifested or am now perpetuating the fatigue, the weakness or the reflux...I'm looking for some sort of effective coping strategy i dont know...if i could just feel better physically, feel more mentally alert, this wouldnt scare me so much but everything thats been ordered by my doctor, the medication, getting exercise, going back to work...none of it has made me feel better physically or cleared my head...im not willing to give up on getting back to work yet, i was able to do it yesterday and i felt pretty decent and somewhat more with it than i have in a while which was good, so part of it may be just having too much time on my hands to focus on this instead of actually getting better. its frustrating to keep standing in my own way, i dont understand why i cant push past this...i mean i just don't know whats what, i feel so horrendous all day every day and sometimes am so convinced something is physically wrong, but yet i cant deny that ive lived with anxiety for a while and that nothing has shown up on tests (you would think that would relieve a person), and that i did have a panic attack, so its just back and forth back and forth and its maddening...any thoughts? lol

[Jennifer]

I think you have been through a horrible time and you need to cut yourself some slack. I get the feeling that those around you love you, but do not help you much in supporting your ideas and mostly just want to forget that you have problems

take it one day at a time. right now, the only thing you need to focus on is going to work, functionning and taking care of your health. the other stuff will come in time. seems as if mental health services should have been recommended a while ago and i get how the system is in canada so you do what you need to do, but you do need someone to talk to on a regular basis that won't tell you that you are crazy or your symptoms are not real.

there are very few people out there that are true hypochondriacs (sp) mostly it is unexplained symptoms that need to be taken seriously, a lot of times, docs will blame stress or mental health issues when there is no explanation, but in the end there is always an explanation.

it took you awhile but you finally got a diagnosis and that is a start. take it slow and keep your mind active. think all that time that you had to think was NOT good for you. the old saying is true. a mind is a terrible thing to waste. if it is not being productive then it will lead to negative thoughts, that is very common.

[speck211]

i appreciate that thank you.

and again ive painted a negative picture of my family because of all this frustration but the truth is theyve been very supportive. my mother doesnt let me fall into the pit of utter despair and i give myself credit for fighting this with every fiber of my being but i dont think i could manage if i was alone which also scares me i hate the thought that i need to be baby sat. she didnt let me give in and when i would get on my tangents about how horrible and afraid i felt, she would look at me and say STOP in a stern but caring way. shes probably just as scared as i am and shes been great at getting me out of the house making sure i dont lose total touch with reality lol. and my dad puts up with my phone calls with much patience and i recently started staying at his place but when i was at my moms he came down every weekend just to be there, which is probably very hard for him cause i know he was very much affected by his own illness and to watch me go through something like this it probably brings him back to that place though i am no where near as bad physically as he was. and as parents its probably not easy to see your child basically drive themselves mad.
as for my brother i think its hard for him because we are close and ive never been sick with anything worse than the flu so its a hard thing to face i know it was hell watching him fall apart in front of our eyes. and again, the fact that ive just been so crazy about it all thats unsettling too.
i cant imagine myself what it would be like to watch a family member just lose it over nothing.
and the person who surprised me most was my sister who came down once or twice and at first didnt know what to make of me just thought i was being dramatic and then she became quite concerned and really tried to pick me up and boost my spirits and talk me down as best she could.
so perhaps thats something positive i can take from all this is the fact that its clear how much my family loves me.

i just hate the fact that i feel totally stripped of any coping ability whatsoever that even logic cant get through and its horrible when you recognize how crazy you're being, but cant help yourself for some unknown reason. i just dont understand whats happened to make my anxiety spike so severely im not dead clearly, i dont seem to be getting worse, most everything serious has been ruled out, i havent even collapsed or passed out so i dont understand what my head cant get around...why do you think it is? and you probably already answered this in the previous post but ill ask again lol what do you think i can do for myself to stop this cycle of symptom, anxiety, leading to more symptoms, to madness?

[Jennifer]

you are entirely too hard on yourself so bluntly GET OVER IT. your family is there for you, so accept it and just say thank-you every once in a while. as far as the rest, all you can do is wake up and do the best that you can do that day. You are not functioning at your best, so you do not need to change how you see goals. when you are really tired, taking a shower can be a goal.

accomplising small tasks can go a long way to boosting the self esteem

[speck211]

i guess you're right. i just worry so much about how i appear to others, and am not used to functioning at such a low level, not having energy or focus to do things i want to do and adjusting to all these changes in my body, its just plain scary.

i guess i need to accept these things take time.

[Jennifer]

yes you do and you will be at 100% again, but it will take time so give yourself some time and you need to learn how to lean on others and ask for help when things get too be too much.

[speck211]

thank you

another thing is the depression diagnosis scares me, makes me almost afraid of myself. i have a friend who was and i assume still is quite depressed because of abusive, alcoholic parents and she was and maybe still is a cutter, went through an eating disorder and attempted suicide. this is what i associate depression with and makes me scared of any negative feeling because i really dont want to die or suffer by my own hand or anyone else's...and i know i did think when i was in the thick of all this craziness just like God if you arent going to heal me just take me kind of thing...which of course any kind of morbid thought like that makes me think what if i become suicidal and then i freak out over that and...

im sorry i know i keep addressing pretty much the same issues here it just really helps me to get it all out...i appreciate your patience...

[Jennifer]

no worries, how about you end each of your posts with something postive in your life. i would say to begin with it, but its hard to stay positive

as far as depression goes as long with anything else, if it is not treated, it can be bad for you, anxiety is under the umbrella of depression so if you are anxious, then you might suffer from depression. not something to be the end to be all end, just needs to be taken care of along with your health. trust me that if you get all this undercontrol, your anxiety will lessen because you will have so much less to worry about

[speck211]

not sure if this is the proper use of this message board but i have to vent:

sick of feeling sick
sick of the reflux burning up my stomach nose and throat
sick of feeling like im not quite fully awake
sick of the muscle weakness
sick of being weirded out by things i used to enjoy

BUT to end on a positive note -

im not alone
still functional
still mobile
still living lol

[Jennifer]

always okay to vent

[speck211]

thank you i'm just having one of my days where im convinced i have some horrible illness (its melanoma today, rational no? lol)

I wish i could just convince myself so what? even if I do have an illness how is obsessing and worrying over it before hand going to help me? how is a negative, fatalistic attitude going to help me?

i guess i just hate when things are beyond my control...