Not Sure What to Do Any Longer

[LTPanicSufferer]

I am a long term panic disorder sufferer, having been diagnosed with the syndrome in 1995. I was on Paxil. My doctor warned me that I would likely never be able to live completely free of the medication, but I hated the idea of being dependent on a drug and eventually weaned myself off of it in 2003. Except for one or two bouts of anxiety a year, I thought I had everything under control.

I also have a long-term stalker. Ten years ago he targeted my mother, accusing her of being part of a giant conspiracy to defraud him. I came to my mother's assistance, and thus became his next victim. In fact, because I was my mother's sole financial and emotional support, he apparently thought I would make a better target. If he could ruin me, then my mother would be forced to do everything he wanted her to do, up to and including commit a felony.

This man has been stalking us for a decade now and has pursued us through three states. We thought we could evade him until he found us again in 2007 and at the same time discovered the power of the Internet. In addition to using the usual stalking methods to terrorize and control, he created a website in myname.com and ruined my career and reputation. Even if people don't believe what they read on his site about me, their immediate reaction is to want to stay away.

I spent 18 months doing little else but try to get help from law enforcement and stalking victims support groups, but no one would or could offer assistance. I contacted over 30 possible sources of help. In the catalog of stalkers, ours is rather unique, and the system doesn't have a good way of dealing with him. We also live in one of a handful of states that doesn't have an Internet stalking law. All we got was the run around. Instead of helping, law enforcement told us we should change our names and SSNs and leave everything behind to start new lives, a sort of DIY witness protection program.

As hurtful as this would be, we would love to. We can't. Our stalker has so disabled us economically, that we can't afford to move. My credit is ruined, making even the task of finding another place to rent a daunting one. I can't get a job, at least not a job that will pay more than minimum wage. I'm not married, so my career was my life.

We can't afford the rent. Have sold almost everything and are living in a near empty house. We no longer have any friends, or family we can ask for help. As is typical of stalkers, he's done an excellent job of isolating us from others. We're currently paying our bills by digging in the discard bins at the Goodwill and selling bits and pieces we find on eBay for next to nothing. In the last 60 days I've earned a grand total of $752. Other than trips to the Goodwill or the post office I spend the rest of my day feeling trapped in the house. Every time the door bell rings, we hide.

My anxiety is back with a vengeance. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, a year ago? But in the last few days it's gotten to the point where I sleep no more than 20 minutes, then wake up in full panic attack mode (my initial psychiatrist told me she'd rarely seen a case as severe). On top of this, my ears have started ringing so badly that even exhausted, I can't go back to sleep. I spend the rest of the night pacing back and forth in what I've come to think of as our cage.

I honestly don't know what to do any longer. I don't see a future ahead, or at least not a good one. I have no money to pay for therapy or Paxil. I don't have insurance. I'm calling a low income health clinic this morning, but my experience with these has never been good. Once, when I described my panic to a doctor at a clinic here, he told me to go home and brew a soothing cup of tea.

I'm not sure what I expect by posting this. I've posted on boards before and though the sympathy is nice and sincerely appreciated, it doesn't really solve the problem, nor do the usual well-meant suggestions to call a local crisis center hotline. Already been there, done that. The state where I live is quite poor and resources are few.

What I wish, more than anything in the world, is that there was actual, meaningful help for people like my mother and me.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Is changing your names and ss # an option for you? You can try to get the drugs for free from the insurance company, they do that all the time, so you would need to contact them directly.

As far as actual help, there is nothing more I can do than anybody else has done. yes your case is rare and it usually does not go on as long as yours has. I am asuming you have a restraining order against this person.

As far as the anxiety goes, you do have the tools/resources within you to help yourself. you have done it in the past and you can do it again. How did your past docs help with the panic attacks and how did you calm yourself down to avoid them?