Hi

[wayc]

I wasn't sure where to put this as I think I fall under several of the categories here. I figured I'd post in Anxiety because I feel that it disables me the worst.

I'm almost 23, male, and still living with my parents. I think I may have Dependent Personality Disorder. I used to think it was just an anxiety disorder as things would make me really scared. I'd have sensational thoughts of someone I was dating lying dead in a ditch somewhere because I'd go a day without hearing from them and they knew how much grief that caused me. I later found out that I was more worried about what would happen to me if the person who was supposed to take care of me got killed.

I have trouble with situations... like when I go to a restaurant and they do something wrong, I have a lot of trouble telling them. I don't want to hurt their feelings or trouble them. I usually try to get my dad to take care of it for me. I hate making phone calls following up on my doctors' calls I'd miss and using the phone in general... my parents always do it and then they have to give the phone to me so I can tell the doctor that it's okay for them to talk to my parent about it. Even having to do that stresses me out.

I don't have the confidence to try and find a job. No matter how capable I am at something, I suddenly feel like I'm at a place where I don't belong, dealing with people who belong, and that I'm wasting their time by not buying from them. It's like I'm trying to assert that I can do something for them and expect them to pay me, and that's terrifying. So I've never had a job.

The idea of learning how to drive a car and dealing with the big scary driving test terrifies me... I never went through Driver's Ed. I tried once in High School but my parents said we couldn't afford the insurance here so I'd just have to go through the class and keep a permit as long as I could. I was so upset that I didn't do any work and failed the class. I had my permit for a while but never used it. I was only on the actual road with an instructor at least once. He seemed to think I did a good job, but it was still really scary. I thought I was going to be hit no matter what. My grandma in another state said she'd pay the insurance, so I can try again this summer... but I'm still scared.

So anyway, I feel so trapped. I've almost got a college degree, though. My parents pushed me through college and I did my best to do well because I'm really intelligent and because they are emotionally manipulative when I fail. They tell me to do my best and I feel like I do given the circumstances... and if I do well, they're proud. But if something is incredibly hard and I'm doing so many hard things at once, they're upset that I didn't succeed and made things harder for them. My best only matters when there's still time to succeed. It's like you assume best to mean succeed anyway but under a veil that suggests we'll love you and be proud no matter what.

In any event, I'm a Mass COMM New Media major. I remember declaring because I had to eventually. I decided that I was doing the best in communication classes and might as well do that. I don't really remember declaring the New Media part or whatever. All the classes are so boring and I feel like I'm wasting my time learning about crap such as if certain litigation fails to pass the torts of the Central Hudson test. I feel like I'm wasting my life and my 20's and time is madly slipping away for me. I can actually feel the seconds ticking away and myself getting older and uglier.

My only ambition seems to be dolphins... I admire them beyond anything else. For like 10 years all I've wanted to do is somehow find a way to be near them and benefit them in some way. I've sickened myself with my obsession with them to the point it hurts to see them on TV commercials... I get so jealous that there are people without my problems somehow getting to work with such majestic and beautiful creatures as if they think they're better than me and deserve to more.

This all leads to depression. So it's like anxiety, OCD, depression, maybe even a bit of paranoia, and then confusion too -- because I don't understand how people manage to do the things they do and how they go out and chase after what they want without a step by step guide. I suppose I'm too afraid to make mistakes or look like a total idiot. I hate that more than anything. I don't have any friends because it's so awkward at first trying to assert yourself as a potential person worth interacting with.

I don't think I'm autistic or anything like that... I'm very empathetic and good at understanding people's moods, motivations, why they act the way they act... I'm just not good at communicating my thoughts unless I get to write them down and I don't have to fear someone losing interest, invalidating me, or interrupting. When I'm in college classes, I do very well socially after the first week... I start getting used to everyone and the teacher, and become the class clown.

Most of all I'm sick of my mom. She seems to have gotten a case of depression worse than anything I've ever seen before. She will revert to a 2 year old having a hissy fit if she can't figure out why her TV is misbehaving. She overreacts to everything that happens and presumes everyone is out to criticize her. She won't listen to any constructive criticism and has an obsession with telling people that we try to blame all our problems on her when we try to explain why she's being a problem. She blames my dad for being poor and ruining her life... she blames everyone for everything but herself. She comes up with these wild ideas about why something is the way it is that isn't true and can't be "led away from the truth."

My dad just isn't very bright. He thinks if I take my Wellbutrin everything will go away. Sure, I do feel better when I take it, but it doesn't fix the underlying problems of how the heck do I get what I want? They think my ambition to benefit dolphins somehow is childish or negligent. Even if they had the resources and money to help me, I don't think they would... they don't have any time to listen to me. And since I depend on them so much and can't just snap out of it, I don't know what I can do. I'm afraid I'll try to do something independent and I'll fail so bad that I'll embarrass myself tragically to them and they'll think I'm even more worthless than I am now.

My parents say they can't afford more therapy and that I've already got pills. And I'm not even convinced therapy can fix this anyway... I feel so helpless and unfixable. I had a psychiatrist for a little bit, but it was my old friend's mom who he almost went to that was out of general practice who agreed to do some stuff for me... but she never returns her calls or is reliable in any way. It all comes down to money, and the insurance companies, and my parents arguing over what they're supposed to pay and stuff.

My parents try to motivate me with threats. If I don't cut my long hair that I love and is part of my identity and would depress me bad if it were gone... well, my mom says I'll never get a job and then go to jail because it's only my name on the government school loans I never really agreed to take anyway. They had me fill it out because we didn't have enough money to sustain our lifestyle without that kind of help. They figured since they do everything for me anyway, it is beneficial for school... but they're so locked on that I succeed in school, they only care that I make a better life for myself, not that I'm not doing anything I care about or that I'm not following my only worthwhile ambition and every minute of that school I'm trying so desperately to succeed in is outrageously boring to me.

I just ... I feel like I'm wasting so many years that could be beautiful and fun because I just don't feel safe and protected... living with my parents' emotional problems and ineptitude, which my empathy has me adopt as my own... and I really hate where I'm at.

I sometimes try to take risks like walk out in the middle of the street without waiting to see what the car is going to do first... just because my perception of what is right or wrong behavior in the world is so screwed up I just want to find out what I can get away with and what my parents have lied about. When I was in a relationship with a guy, they told me... I'd need like pepper spray or a knife to protect myself if I were to go into public, and I don't even know if that's true...

They always put the worst scenario in my head about anything I want to do... anything that sounds exciting to me... they scare me about it. =(

And my dad can be so insensitive... as I was typing this, he came in and mock collapsed on the floor and said "i can't do anything, i'm tired, i don't want to go to work tomorrow." He was mocking my lack of energy earlier today... sometimes when I don't eat, my body will shut down and I start acting childishly, but I really can't seem to help it. I may be slightly hypoglycemic or something.

Anyway, my final problem seems to be that because I feel trapped here and have trouble associating with people and the real world, I'll go online and try desperately to find love so that someone can be obligated to me and help me achieve the life I want... but the problem is I'll stay with them FAAAAR longer than I should. I was with someone who was extremely bipolar and my empathy when they were depressed or being manipulative to get what they wanted drove me to the brink of wanting to kill myself a few times. I'm not a complete monster though... it's not all about me and my fears. I can truly love people and appreciate them and make them happy too... it's just, this often interferes.

I'm not depressed or terrified all the time. It takes very little to make me happy. Me doing something brave and independent and it not blowing up in my face like I feared it would can make me really happy.

I have certain quirks and traditions that can make me really happy. I'll eat a certain gourmet pizza that I love, drink a Red Bull, and watch the 80's sitcom Charles in Charge on Friday evenings and that can make me ridiculously happy and feel fulfilled... probably the only reason I'm still around. Very easily amused and made happy because I deny myself so many things out of fear that other people take for granted, and just getting them or feeling like something is accomplished can thrill me.

I also notice all these strange random coincidences that probably no one else care about. Like, as I was typing this novel of a forum post that not even paid psychiatrists should have to read, I was listening to my 480+ song playlist on randomize. While I was finishing up the last sentence of the paragraph where I mentioned Charles in Charge... the theme song to that show started playing. I'm always randomly sifting through Wikipedia articles on a whim, and I'll come across a person who piques my interest and then notice that it's their birthday that day I'm learning about them. The worst one is that dolphins always seem to find me when I'm most depressed about not getting to be near them... in places where they've never been. Like commercials, random mentions, merchandise, etc. It's either like an omen "you'll see me someday," but I'm starting to interpret it as "hahaha, just wanted to make you feel worse."

Anyway, now I feel all bitter because I made myself sound like a completely deranged lunatic. Am I worth continuing? <-- Sincere and not self-defeatist.

I have some amazing qualities too... I just think they're drowned out.

[Jennifer]

so what do you want to accomplish? living and having your parents take care of you is a double edge sword for you and i'm sure you realize that. you say that they do all these things to help you and then you say that they don't understand you. in order for you to live your life you are going to have to learn how to self motivate and not have someone else do that for you. saying that you have dependent disorder is a crunch. you have developed a pattern with them and you need to break it.