Harassment

[liamosb]

I'm writing for some advice. I'm hoping for some words of wisdom.

My problem is that an older brother has consistently (almost daily) sexually harassed my classmate and me. This includes offensive comments about our bodies, sexual experiences, racist and sexual jokes, etc., as well as touching us in inappropriate places (buttocks, genital area, lower back, etc.) with his cane and hands. He is constantly staring at us too. And he "wanders" into our section of the building (where he doesn't belong and has no reason to be), including our bathroom.

My classmate and I are both beyond disturbed by this. Since this person is older and has been a brother for many years, he is clearly our superior. We have reported this problem many times to our (and his)superiors in the community, but he continues to bother us daily.

Do you have any suggestions? Frequent requests to him personally to stop (orally and in writing) and leave us alone have done no good.

My classmate refers to him as a "menace" and I agree. In fact, we both lock our doors at night to keep him out.

I'd be grateful for your thoughts, etc., since this has gone on for months and I'm really bothered by what he is doing.

[Jennifer]

i think you need to explain how this is a brother to you? is it your brother or what, i don't understand that part? what happened when you went to people in your community? What about your parents?

as far as getting him to stop, he needs to realize that his actions can and will lead to trouble for him and that he is not going to be able to get away with it anymore. It sounds as if you and your friend and been doing a great job trying to get him to stop, but you need reinforcements in someone older to help you. Is there anyone that can help you?

[liamosb]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I should have clarified the situation more. I am a Roman Catholic monk, living in a monastery, with the intention of becoming a Catholic priest. I live with 45 other monks or "brothers," one of whom is the person who has been harassing me. My family is still very much in my life and they are supportive of me, but they can't be of any help in this situation because they don't live in the monastery.

In terms of setting clear boundaries for him and/or getting a leader of our community to intervene, I don't know what else I can do. The number of oral reports I have made to our leadership can't be counted. (Seriously, I have made that many complaints.) I have also made the reports to a variety of people—our abbot, our prior, our former prior, our formation director, our assistant formation director, and our former assistant formation director, as well as anyone else who would listen basically—in the hope that if I told the "right person" something would change. There have been slight improvements—he hasn't touched me in recent weeks—but I think our administration fails to grasp that the staring, the comments, etc. are disturbing, inappropriate, and exploitative behavior that no one, especially a new monk, should have to put up with and that it is actually abuse we're dealing with. I'm really not sure what to do about it or how much longer I can take it.

The fact is that I don't know what to do short of leaving. And, if I leave, then I will have "lost" all this time that I've put in (not to mention I would have no job, no car, no cell phone, etc. and would be in a very vulnerable place personally.) If I wanted to join another religious community after having left this one—which could be difficult—I would have to repeat all of the time I've put in so far. I'm not crazy about that idea, and I really do like it here, except for this situation that is becoming unbearable. It has literally gone on since before I joined the community; as a visitor, I made several reports of his harassing behavior.

I really don't know what to do. I have lost a lot of sleep over this problem. If I leave, then I lose my lifelong dream of becoming a monk and this monk will continue to be a danger to others after I go and I will have wasted the last eight months of my life. It is a lousy situation and is really tormenting.

Suggestions would be most appreciated.

PS: I have also documented his inappropriate behavior several times in writing. I'm told we have "a very thick" file on him already.

[Jennifer]

why won't your community take you seriously? I'm not sure what else you can do. Leaving does not sound as if that is what you want, but the fact that this is going on in this community does not sound like a good situation at all and there has to be a final higher up person that will listen to you.