Anxiety

[tdwjarmon]

I'm not sure because I never go to the library since I don't read books, i never have liked reading but I could go and see. last night was awful, someone sent another message to the mama's phone saying efren was a liar and asked her did she have a daughter and if so,was efren the daddy, the message was sent twice and it said all she had to do was tell the truth as a good person, He came home from work and he was so mad, this is what he said, 'maybe i got feelings for the mama because of all of these messages" What does that mean? He said its not right, she was mad when he called but they still talked 45 min. But after the call, he said if this message makes the mama too mad and doesn't talk to him, he is forgetting mexico and forgetting here. He will leave it all because his head is too full, he can't even think anymore. Do you think I should go away for a few days to give him some thinking time? All that was important to him is the mama being mad, he didn't care about nothing else so maybe just need to give him time

[Jennifer]

Don't you think it would be important to find out who is sending these messages? Do you have any ideas? I suggested the library because it is free and ca n get you out of the house. They have audio books there and videos as well,magazines, if you don't like to strickly read.

If you leave as I have said numerous times, do it for yourself, do you have anywhere to go? Don't do it to try to do it to make him jealous, this text messages are not good for either of you. are you sending them?

[tdwjarmon]

No I am not responsible for the messages. I don't know who because the phone number that shows up, none of us is familiar and when you call it, it says no accepting incoming calls so I would think a friend but who exactly i don't know. Our friends are all worried about us and doesn't think too much that he has daughter, they think it is a lie so maybe one of them is wanting to find out to ease my mind or something, I don't know.
Oh yea, the messages are in spanish like a hispanic person wrote it but I only have one hispanic close friend and i have asked her and she said she would never do something like that. When he's this mad, he might very well take off and forget everything, the only thing that will save him now is if the mama is ok and not mad at him no longer, the funny thing is this time he didn't mention the daughter, it was all the mama

[Jennifer]

whoever is doing this is not a friend and it would be good to find out before he does, have you thought of some relaxation techniques yet? When i mentioned the library, it was just a suggestion to 1. get you out of the house 2. doesn't cost anything. 3. you can get some books on meditation, relaxation and breathing.

[tdwjarmon]

I went to the library and got a self help book with relaxing techniques. Im gonna try it. He came home from work @ 8pm and was in a lousy mood. he thinks i sent those text messages, for im the only one who could get the phone number but thats not true. i told you about checking his cell phone, well I wrote down 3 messages that were in spanish and the womans' name and phone number (I think i was thinking about calling her at that time) and i took it to a hispanic friend and she translated it for me and we threw it in the garbage, where it went next I don't know, but someone got it, I told him anybody could look at his phone and get it, it is clearly under contacts. he said as soon as he gets the money, hes leaving here and forgetting about here and mexico, he keeps repeating this, he laughs(crazy) and says his head is too full. He is acting very funny and peculiar, like he has snapped, i told him I must not be important to want to be with, i said Mexico is 2 months old, we are 3 1/2 years. I relaxed thru it and told him i would support him thru this time but he couldnt shut me out. We also got his phone bill which was $370 for only 3 weeks. Of course i looked at it, he was calling or she was calling all the time, he talked 1544 min which comes to 25.6 hours. He called her @ 9:30, 11:00 am and these are not times he was talking to his daughter, not during this time, she was in school every day. he talked 4 hours one day, not at once but calls, I told him that he had lied to me again because he told me he doesnt talk to her at work, he works. i told him no more, he could call late evening and that was it unless there was something urgent. Mama texted Monday & told him to call her about paying for her brothers party. he said im calling and i said no, this is my day, I told him it wasn't urgent or about his daughter, this could wait until the next day or either text her back and say yes or no but a phone call was not justified, You see now, why i am so obsessive.

[Jennifer]

once again this goes to the trust in your relationship, just heard an amazing quote, love without trust is nothing. I believe that and truley believe that you cannot love someone without trusting them.

Glad that you went to the library to get the book, this thread is more about making yourself healthy, than making him understand these things that you want him to understand.

There are better ways to call mexico, how about skype? much cheeper than cell phone.

Sounds as if you handled yourself like a pro last night, kudos for you.

You stayed calm, stood your ground and acting rational, that is all you can do.

[tdwjarmon]

I need to know how to handle something, you remember I told you how much the phone bill was, I got a copy of it today and was looking and you know he talked to this woman @ 5:30am in the morning for 32 min.? He leaves for work @ 5am, that's not all. They talked one day for almost 54 hours on 3 phone calls, every day he talked to her at work which is off limits to him and if I call it better be important and he talked at work for 60-80 minutes each time. Then he would come home and tell me he had to call Mexico and then he would talk 1-2 hours more at 10;00pm. I have been taken for a complete fool, now should I still quit obsessing and nagging him? I am also 98% positive there is no daughter. He told his boss he had been calling someone he met in mexico and I saw some of the text messages. His wife told me, she is one of my closest friends and I trust her. You see my intuition was right all the time. I still can deal with it right now. I said I'm gonna be so nice, i called him and ask him was he ok and he said for what? I said have you heard anything and he said from who, i said from Mexico and he said is that all you called for? I said no I was worried about you and wanted to tell you I love you. He said nothing and I hung up.

[Jennifer]

so what do you want help with how to handle?

[tdwjarmon]

I know you are tired of hearing about my problems but this is the only way i can vent and feel better. My whole world was turned upside down last night. i decided to tell efren about my suspicions because it was apparent he wasn't going to tell me, its been 2 days since he talked with the mama i guess but he said he was gonna call last night and I said no that we had issues to deal with, we argued back and forth but nothing ugly or rude or yelling. I told him i knew the truth and he couldn't call Mexico anymore, i knew the truth, he said how and i told him his best friend said that, you know he was balistic because I told him and I told him exactly what he said, and everyone else. He still stuck to his story and I said ok for me to believe this, I'm gonna have to have proof that she is yours, he said why, he don't care what other people say, he knew wat was what, it didn't matter. I told him it was over if he called her because theres too much at stake. He didn't call but what he told me next blew me away, he said you want more problems? I have a son that is 11 years old over there in mexico too. I WAS FLOORED to say the least. He was a very bad man in Mexico, he was a drunk he told me but the little boy was 3 when he came here but had a good daddy and was even put on the birth certificate and i said well that's good. He said he come here to change in a better way and he felt like he was a better person. That is why the mama is so into him, she knows how bad he used to be but now he was a responsible. He said he told her plainly he didn't wanta marry and i said Efren all she does is send you love notes 3-4 times a day but he said i don't care, i don't say nothing back, its not important to me but I said yes because you talked to her at 5:30am for over an hour, you talked with her at work, you talked with her coming home fromwork, all those times, the little girl was in school. He said his first love which was 6 years was in Mexico and he saw her one time and wanted to marry her but she is married and has child and he told her that if things were different maybe, but you know what? When he let me see his phone, he's texting her and calling so what is going on with that? jennifer i feel like i can't take anymore, my depression or anxiety is over the top and i don't know how to come out from under, I feel like hiding under a rock and never coming out, why did he keep all this from me?

[Jennifer]

I'm glad that you two had your first honest talk since he got back from mexico. Not sure what the end result was if there is any end result. How do you feel about him? Are you two going to stay together? Did he agree to stop talking to her.

If you both are going to work on your relationship, then he has to agree to stop talking to her, he does sound majorily confused and he also sounds as if he doesn't like confrontations. You suggested a couple of posts ago about going away for a couple of days, is that possible for you?

Seems as if you are on overdrive and your mind/body/spirit needs a break. I am happy that you two talked, now to decide what to do next.

[tdwjarmon]

Thanks for the kudos but I don't deserve anything. I have done had 2 episodes this morning, yes i know he told me the truth but he is not gonna stop calling her because he still tells me there is a daughter so I am going somewhere for a few days, the strange thing is that he told me in the bed he has told me everything, he said he has no more secrets but I could go, he understands. He said he would get me my money as soon as he could, right now I feel like i want to die (not suicidal) and I wish i could make the hurt go away. I can't. I just don't know if I should be happy he told me the truth or mad because he's lied to me this whole time we've been together, it's like I don't know him.

[Jennifer]

You are so hard on yourself and you seem as if you are such a good person. Doesn't sound as if he wants you to go, but won't stop you if you do. Are your heart and head telling you the same thing here? What are they telling you?

[tdwjarmon]

I feel this way, I feel like I am still right about him not having a daughter and I told him I needed proof, but for him not wanting to stop or not stop talking to her is not enough love or sacrifice for me so if that is not gonna change, i need to go. I think its like you said I need to go for a few days and both of us doing some long hard thinking away from each other and really thinking. That's whay my heart tells me I need to do right now but I still feel the same about all the other, why did he tell me all this stuff, he didn't have to but he was telling me I think everything in his head that was making it full, it was just transposed to my head now. Why do you feel like he doesn't want me to go? Maybe I'm not seeing that part of it, maybe I'm just telling myself theres no use, i can't deal with this. I have cried ever since i got up this morning. You know what i want to know right now? wonder if he has talked to her today, being she hasn't called for 2 days, that is what I am scared of.

[Jennifer]

I hope that you can get some peace of mind from this soon, not sure how much more you can take of all this. Please try relaxing and taking care of yourself, I know easier said than done but there is no use if you fall completely apart, take a couple of days and clear your head, all you can think of is her and the phone which makes it pretty hard to think about your relationship. 3 years boiled down to the cell phone, so sorry for you and I only hope that you can get some peace of mind and some closur from this so you can start to heal regardless of what the rest of the story is even if there is or is not more to the story.

[tdwjarmon]

I wanted to know what you picked up on my note that he sounds like he wanted me to stay? I think he's a coward and aint got the guts to say what he really feels, he keeps telling me its my decision, its my decision, whatever i decide but never says what he wants. He did say he has been trying for the last week or two to only talk every other day. I said i wouldnt know because that part wouldn't on this bill i got. I think I am gonna tell me ok this is my decision, I will stay for now but I have my bags packed at all times because the first lie you tell, it will be over completely. What do you think?