Anxiety

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

what did he say to your comment that the phone is ripping you apart?

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

I know you haven't responded to my last question but something else has happened and i just need for someone to listen and help. Last night my fiancee asked abruptly if I called Mexico, I said are you kidding me? He said no, someone from here called the women and told her he was married and had kids over here, even told him the person didn't speak spanish very well. I was astounded, i looked at him right in the eyes and told him, i promise i did not do this, I don't know if he believed me or not but I told him this woman (mama) made this all up so he would get mad at me because what she described was american with little spanish. She even told him he couldn't speak with the little girl no more,he was infuriated BUT he called her around 10pm last night to supposedly straighten it out, I told him it would be a good time to be honest about me
but she wouldn't talk to him, then the woman calls him while he is in the shower and says i'm sorry, you can talk to the daughter, and suddenly after 30 minutes of talking with her, he was ok, he even threw his cell phone across the porch, he was so mad but suddenly he was ok and I told him in the bed that I don't know if I can deal with this, i told him he was ok after this woman did this, she did it to break us up and there would be more to come, BUT HE STILL DiD NOT TELL HER ABOUT ME!!! I told him I don't understand, he had 2 months over there to tell her but he didn't and i asked him what he had said or done to make this woman believe he loved her? He said nothing, he doesn't say nothing. I asked him was be embarrassed at me being American? he said no but what is he trying to do? He said again he needed more time, I said how much time do you need, my goodness, he said one day, and I said I might not have one day.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I did answer your last post and asked how he responded. I gather that he doesn't give you responses and yes that would be very upsetting. What does he need a day for? To realize that he loves you? To tell her about you? Enough is enough with him, there is understanding and there is being taken advatange off and you are now leaning to the being taken advantage off category.

Do you have the engery to leave him or even want too?

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

When I told him about the phone was tearing us apart, he didn't say anything. He needs time and that would come "one day" is what I meant for when I asked him how much time did he need, one day meant 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, I don't know, I guess whenever he figures out what he
wants, he told me hes not sure he wants to marry me anymore, this hit me like a ton of bricks on my heart. I am telling him tonite (If I can get the guts) that he needs to move in the other bedroom and we can't be together right now until he gets his head straightened out, he went to work today (finally after 3 weeks) so his head should be clearing up with all this confusion, Jennifer I have tried to be supportive and i keep on telling him what are u hiding or what have u told this woman? He says every time "nothing". I said so when she's pouring out the love language you say nothing, what kind of fool am I? I was sincerely believing him but not telling her about me, hiding the phone calls/messages, hiding from me talking to her, I'm not an idiot. I want to call her myself for real and tell her she is destroying us, don't u think she said she was called on purpose for trying to cause problems?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I agree with you and I said that in my last post that you have done more than your fair share of compassion and understanding and now it is his turn. Even for him to question if you two should be together should be a sign that he is NOT the guy for you and do not let him make this decision, it is time for you to make the decision and kick his but out on the street.

how's that for not playing nice gal anymore?

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Yes I do know that I have got to end it but I can't right now. Its a financial reason, I have worked all my life, I was married for 25 years when I decided to leave, he was a deadbeat, so I supported the family the whole time. I have worked off and on since me & Efren have been together, parttime but at this moment I'm not working, I paid his way for getting back over here ($1500) and he owes me that money, he even said he did so If I go, I'm afraid I won't get nothing. As for the home and everything, he paid for most of it, even the cars, I had a car but he used it for work and bought an expedition in its place. Please help me in telling me how to handle this at this present time, knowing i have to leave as soon as he gets enough money for what he owes me. I know I said it but i feel vendictive, I want to punish her, would it be wrong? Part of me just wants to go over there and tell her everything, part of me wants to jump off a cliff, part of me wants to stay, I need help

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you need to get yourself in a position financially and emotionally that you are ready to leave before you do. sounds as if he has all the control in your relationship and you don't have any.

work on yourself by getting a job if you can, but you need to do for yourself and look out for yourself right now in order to get this done.

she (the other woman) is not the fault and I know it is easier to blame her than the man that you love but he is to blame for cutting you out of his life and making things get this bad that you are taking about leaving. She doesn't even know about you so she cannot be the one to be blamed.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

I think I'm grasping for a little bitty sign that he does care about me which he does, but not in the right way. I am trying to get a job now but havent found anything, I have over 20 years experience in the medical office so jobs are very few here for that. Do you think it is possible to love two women at the same time even though one of them is 3000 miles away? He has known me for 3 1/2 years and her for 2 months and it is absolutely killing me why, why, why will he not tell her he has someone here because I told him we are married, in Alabama if you live with someone more than a year, both get mail at the same address and say you are going to marry, then it is a legal marriage and divorce (if you want to) is the only way out, which means i can use that as leverage to get half of everything when I go. I really know I have to go, I feel it in
my bones but what do I do, how can i do until that happens? How do I
not care about him, how do I not love him?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you are either going to let him make this decision which it seems or you make it. you love him and that's great, but think about this, he is willing to throw away your relationship after knowing this other women for 2 months. What does that say about your relationship before he left for mexico?

Of course it is possible to care about two people, but is that the kind of relationship you want to be in?

If you want to wait it out and see what he decides which it seems as if you want to that, then go ahead and do it, but I would still suggest getting some control on your own life with your health and your stress level in order to function better.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Well I blew it all up last night. He was working finally and worked until 7:30pm and i cooked but he didn't have the respect to call me and let me know what time he was coming and he also ate before he got home and I just exploded!! I attacked him with everything i had in me. Everything I had wanted to say and more, I wanted to hit him, because he was being cocky, I threw a lotion bottle at him and he threw it back and I called him
son of a b------ and boy that was not good because he told me there was no forgiveness for calling him that, he also attacked me and told me everything he had been feeling, which also consisted of he didn't have feelings for the woman, he told me he has no life with her, but even though he was trying to be honest with me, i just wouldn't let it go, he said if I would have given him time, like he asked, he would of probably got married, but not now. Do you believe this guy? He turned the tables and blamed me for everything, down to the grit. Even though i fought back and told him what i thought, he only came at me harder. I told him ok you tell me to leave, i will. He said that's your decision, i said yes it is but I need you to tell me to my face to go, that you don't care anymore, that this is all finished, but he couldn't. i don't know why but he couldnt

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

he couldn't because he does care and he is just confused as most men are. he handled this poorly just as he has handled this whole thing poorly, but when you are being attacked there is no good way to handle anything.

hopefully you two will have a calmer conversation tonight and you can move forward successfully.

Glad to hear he is working

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

How should i handle things when he comes home tonight? Do I try and talk to him, be silent and let him think? I don't know what to do because last night was a bad thing for both of us, we both said things we shouldn't have, I called him names, he called me names but basically he blamed me for everything by not believing in him so how do I handle it tonight? i have to get thru until I get a job and have money to go but that may be a month or two, so what do I say? I went way past but I did tell him my stress was so built up that I wanted to hurt him.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you applogize for your actions, whether you meant it or not you took the gloves off and let him have it, so appologize and try to keep the conversation calm. let him know that it is hard to "just trust" him when he hasn't been communicating with you.

stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Jennifer I've been thinking about something and you tell me whether you think it's possible, Maybe he doesn't have a daughter, maybe it is a front for calling this girl, I don't know why I feel like that, but there are no pictures, no nothing about this little girl and you know her mama had pictures, he said she was going to mail some. Well I'venever heard the little girl on the phone, and all this hiding he's doing, maybe that's why, he is putting on a front to cover up for a girlfriend he met over there, I am thinking it's all making sense now

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I think that you are making yourself crazy for no apparent reason. If you have had no reasons to not trust him in the past, what has changed. You are pushing him farther and farther away with your thinking and you are now coming up with stories. Did someone tell you this? You need to sit down and have an open calm conversation with your man and work through this for yourself.