Anxiety

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

I am 46 years old and I have a fiancee of 3 years who is hispanic. He recently went back to Mexico to see his family after 8 years and foundout he had a 7 year old daughter he never knew about. He loves children and
neither of us had any. He came back to America to be with me and told me he could handle it but he isn't. I found out by his text messages that
the mama is in love with him and he is not telling her about me at all. They talk on the phone almost every day, sometimes twice and sometimes 1-2 hours and i have put a stop to the late calls and the length but he said he is trying, he needs time but in the meanwhile I'm here having thoughts of dread, heart beating out of my chest and pain off and on and a feeling is I just wanta die, not suicidal but wished i was not here in this situation, he has always been honest to me but every time I try to
talk with him about the woman, he won't listen because he thinks the mama will keep him from talking with the little girl if he makes her mad but he is refusing to tell either of them about me and I gave him an ultamatem this week, either tell her or it was over, this actually took away some of the panic issues but even after, during the day, I wake up at night and start thinking about what is he hiding from me? I always think of the worst happening for I love him so very much but i can't deal with the stress at this age. What should I do?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

this is an adjustement for all of you so there needs to be some time in order for this to work its self out. I can understand his fears and concerns about all of this as well as yours.

Basically, ulimatimums never work, if you have to use them, things are not in a good place.

I would if I was you, try to be understanding and supportive of him and his situation and the more understanding you are, the more he will open up to you about it.

If you pressure him, you might not like what you find out.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

I have been very supportive of the daughter but not the mama (I guess the jealousy kicks in) but I will try to be supportive of him. the truth is I don't want to be taken for a fool, my friends say leave him, he loves this other person because he won't let you see his phone calls or messages but I have to believe otherwise or I would definately be crazy. Do you think it is ok not to show me the text messages or not show me his phone altogether? Am I over shooting this one? One friend even told me act like I don't care at all and it would make him realize how important I was, the problem with that is he's always told me he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't happy. Also we made a sincere promise when we got serious that we would tell the other if we ever found someone else rather than destroy us.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i can see your friend's points, but they don't know him like you do. he just found out he has a child and that has rocked his world. i'm sure he doesn't know how to deal with it all from you, to her or even to his child.

i do know that the more you push, the more people retreat. i know what is right to do in a relationship, but my emotions get in the way sometimes and i don't always do or say the things that I would tell others to do theraputically. it is hard to leave emotions out of a relationship.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Well do you think it is ok for him to not let me read his text messages or
calls from his cell phone? If we have no secrets then it would be ok to look at it right?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i can't answer that for you, the question is if you can handle it or not? If you can't then you have to decide what it is that you will do or if you can give him some time to figure this out and how to handle everybody equally.

Before this trip, it was just the two of you, now he has two new people in his life. I'm sure he is freaked out and not doing well with this. If you trust him, then you have to believe him, if you don't then there is more problems in your relationship than just this one.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

You are right, I need to trust him. This talking has heped s much. You are a wise woman. You pointed out some things I haven't thought about and I haven't had one panic attack today thanks to you

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

glad to hear that you haven't had a panic attack! but you deserve the credit, you are the one that have calmed down and sought help and able to look at things in a new light, keep me updated Very Happy

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Jennifer if you are there,I need help. I walked over to the neighbors home to tell my fiancee I cooked and he put his finger over his mouth to me for don't say nothing loud. He then put the phone laid down on his shoulder, I felt like crumbling. My heart is beating too fast and I'm crying
and i was having a great day until this. I don't know why it bothered me so much, I guess it is jealously, I don't know, even though the woman is
3000 miles away. He seems so happy talking with her but not happy with me, he's sad all the time. Please help

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i think you need to be honest with him that his shutting you out of this is hurting you and your relationship and find out how he feels about how this is progressing. Is there a reason he can't have her here you? Was he sad before all this started?

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

No he wasn't unhappy before Mexico, I even went with him and met all of his family and dearly fell in love with them, they all showed me a lot of love and we became even closer. I left to come back here and he stayed 2 more months. Mexico has a very strong belief, his family told him he needs to marry this woman who had his child and at least try to make it work for the little girl, so this is piled up too on him besides not having any work since he's been back (2 weeks) because he is a work-a-holic and he likes having money too much so this is in his head also, he has told me he needed more time to sort his feelings but he has had 3 months to decide, 2 1/2 months over in Mexico and here. You see he was with this woman and child every day for 2 months, he took them to the fair, to eat all the time, both of them and he told me he did. His family also told him he didnt need to live with me any longer for the sake of this child because it wasn't fair to me. What kind of family doesn't want happiness even though there are children? I guess Mexicans do

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you didn't mention how he feels about this believe situation and if he is going to return to mexico or stay in america?

there are some issues in relationships which are called deal brakers and this seems to be one for him. he is pulled by his culture and it is making this hard for him to decide.

not to say how this is affecting you. i know you don't want to hear this, but if he chooses her/them, then he wasn't the right guy for you. life is full of problems/decisions and you deal with them as a couple. he has made this difficult for you two to be a couple and work on this together.

whatever you decide for your relationship, you need to take care of yourself, i always say that health comes first. you need to eat, sleep and continue your life and you might find that he does not have a place in your life as much as you would have thought?

I am not telling you what to do, just giving you information to digest.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

I know noone can tell me what to do. sometimes i wish this crystal ball would come and show me the path I need to take. I do love him very much but i want to be happy also. this has not been healthy for me at all because I have high blood pressure (diagnosed 2 months ago) so I don't need added stress, I think he really is in love with the idea of as long as he's here in America, he chooses me but when he goes back to Mexico, he'll have his ready made family. He told the little girl he would come back and see her in a year or year and a half, he had to come back over here and work hard for her to have a good life over there. The mama called his cell phone 4 times today and left probably 5-6 messages, what is this woman thinking? Maybe she's stupid for not thinking he has someone over here or maybe she is just trying to get rid of me, I don't know anymore what to think. I feel so low tonight,very sad.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

when there is another parent involved such as this woman, there is never any time where there is space. the only way you are going to keep your relationship working is if you embrace this part of his life and start to be supportive of him as a father and a provider for another family.

If that is not possible for you, then as hard as it might be it is time to move on. Do you believe that he is using you until he can return to mexico? I think you might have to do some research on blended families and how to accept the fact that it is not just the two of you anymore.

Sorry to hear about the blood pressure. You might have said, but I don't think that you are that old and you are right that you need to learn how to control your stress level better in all circumstances. Your body tells you things that your mind cannot meaning that sometimes you need to listen to your body. Your body through the panic attacks and the hpb has been screeming at you that you need to calm down and learn how to handle your stress better. I am not talking about the relationship. You have a lot of living yet to do and this conversation is soley about you, NOT about him.

tdwjarmon · Joined: 30 Mar 2009 Posts: 78

Yes your right, it is about me, my stress levels are abnormally high today so I'm gonna tell you what happened. Last night we had a child's birthday party to attend, my fiancee was on the phone probably 3 hours of the 5 hours we were there which was rude of him anyway, but as we went home,we didn't speak to the other, and then the phone coming up again, the mama was calling and he didn't answer, she was texting and he didn't answer. I don't know why, I guess he knew that I knew he had already been on the phone with her most of the evening. Then today as early as 11am, the phone started, I asked him this time what is going on? Your phone is ripping us apart, because you can't get away from Mexico long enough to think about me and you. I really believe he has told this woman something to make her pursue him so much. I know he has not told her about me but what am I supposed to do? she needs to know about me as much as I need to know about her, its a tug of war and I think he is keeping us both tied to the same rope. I think he may of promised to be with her or something but theres more to this story than I know.