Anxiety and depression.

[SamiRobbins]

At seventeen years old I’m told I act like I’m 30. I have a natural mom instinct and I love taking care of people all ages. I’m amazing with people. I’m a small girl with a bright personality that really does shine. But for year’s I’ve been fighting my own mind. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since 12. At first I really didn’t understand why I constantly thought about my own death. But I think I’ve figured it out. I become a certain way sometimes, doesn’t matter the time of day, the mood I’m in, my surrounding environment may be a slight factor but it doesn’t always have to be. I just think, and when I say think, I mean obsess. Over absolutely everything I can possibly think of. I lock myself in the bathroom lay on my back for hours at a time just constantly going over the bad things in my past, in my present, and how they will affect my future. I’ve realized though, that by constantly obsessing and worrying over everything suicide has become my comfort. I don’t have to worry about life anymore when I’m thinking of my suicide because I don’t have to worry. Life will just end. At least that is my belief. But all of this scares me. Because I do have a lot I do want to do with my life. I want to be a high school drama teacher and work with kids in the arts; I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. That’s basically the only thing I really long for in life. At the moment I’m in a happy relationship. But also I have frequent health issues, family problems with drug addicted parents, and other family, and close friends, issues with my schooling because of my health issues, money problems and of coarse the everyday drama that life loves to throw in your face. But I know I shouldn’t be like this, I’m an intelligent go getter. Not the hyposomniac suicidal Looney that’s been living in my mind. I just want to see if you can help me understand this more. Or help me with a coping method to stop thinking about all the negative things around me so much. I mean even one hour where I’m not obsessing over something would be nice...

[Jennifer]

it sounds as if you are very rationale about your thoughts. do you have insurance? if so medication would be the best way to stop the thoughts. if you suffer from anxiety which it sounds like then medication is necessary.

[SamiRobbins]

i do have insurance and i have been trying to get help recently. but i guess they cant seem to figure out whats wrong. the medication doesnt work, basically im at a loss for what i can do. ive tried more than three different medications and nothing helps. im looking to see if i can find some sort of coping method to get through all the negative obsession. just to atleast dwell on something that makes me happy, but if i do that i end up obsessing over the flaws of whatever makes me happy and lose interest in it. ugh i need help =/

[Jennifer]

have you tried focusing on one thought and just that thought. what have you tried to stop the obessing? just a fyi, if you are using your full name people can search for you and find this diagolge. if you want to change your user name let me know.

[SamiRobbins]

actually thats not my legal name, its my fathers last name i have my step fathers. and i have tried stopping the obsession but it seems the only way i stop obsessing is either when i think about suicide or im intoxicated. i cant shut the thinking off. also i dont know if this is part of it but i have major irritability and mood swings too. im not sure if its the stress of my anxiety/depression doing this or if its a whole nother issue.

[Jennifer]

it sounds as if you are not getting the help that you need. really sounds as if you have a chemical imbalance and without the proper diagnosis you will not be able to just shut off the thoughts, your mind doesn't work that way. tell me about the treatment that you have been getting.

[SamiRobbins]

Well the first thing that happened was I tried to commit suicide, and was put under the Florida baker act and taken to vista mental health center. I was stuck there for three days, evaluated and put on Buspar the SSRI medication. I was taken off that for chest pains and headaches it was causing me. I was switched onto Zoloft after going to out patient therapy and went to see the psychiatrist. But he doesn’t want to see me for another month in case my medicine starts working. He says all he might do is up my mgs. and if its not helping at all now I don’t see how it will.

[SamiRobbins]

they also had me on another medication in vista that i forget the name of. i'll have to get back to you on that one.

[Jennifer]

any therapy? might be helpful. just taking the meds is not enough you need to figure this out and i'm sure along with other stuff as well.

[SamiRobbins]

i am. my father and i will be going this week probably

[Jennifer]

great! you need to get some support that you can rely on trust in order to start feeling better.