Always being watched

[anaris328]

Short story turned long... when I was little I had a normal happy childhood up until the age of seven. When I turned seven my parents and teacher realized I had stigmatism and I ended up with a pair of glasses. From that point to the age of fourteen I was teased and harassed by my classmates. I felt like everyone was watching me, hated me and I only wanted to be left alone. My parents divorced when I was ten and my mother only cared about paying the bills and showed no interest in my emotional well being. I ended up being very depressed, and felt that there was no way out, except with daydreaming.

Once I hit high school the teasing stopped but I ended up being very isolated and could not make friends. The years of harassment became internalized and I started constantly putting myself down. I also felt like I could hear what negatives people where thinking during lunch break in the courtyard.

After I graduated high school I joined the Navy and I started getting analyzed again, watched over constantly. I hated it and constantly disappointed my superiors. I started to feel very apathetic about life and hated people, it was quite miserable.

I started going to college and started making friends and was amazed that there were people out there that actually liked me as a person, and I started to be afraid. Because I felt that everyone hated me throughout middle school, ignored me throughout high school, and were constantly disappointed in my performance in the military I felt that I would definitely disappoint them. Well, since I couldn't call, text or otherwise keep in contact I eventually lost most of my friends.

Throughout college whenever there was a large essay to write or a project to do I ended up feeling very scared, frozen. I was being watched by the teacher, and by classmates and I felt that the only thing I would do is disappoint. I finally graduated college this year, and after I broke up with my exboyfriend and moved I don't feel like I'm being watched anymore.

I realized yesterday that when I feel like someone is watching me and judging me I start feeling that no good will come of it. This lead to a conundrum throughout the past several years where I felt that I wanted to see friends and stuff, but if I did I would either earn their disgust or their disappointment. I feel that I have come to the source of the problem that ails my life, but I wonder how much time does it take to heal.

I feel like my confidence is growing a lot, especially since I earned my college degree, but I don't want to sabotage it. I'm unemployed now, and I am becoming more and more optimistic about life. But I need to get a job or two, and yet feel that once I start working I'm going to feel like I'm being watched and start to feel like the only thing that can come of this is the disappointment of superiors and coworkers.

What should I do?

[Jennifer]

Boy, you have come a long way from that child in glassess. Lets figure out what this "watched" means, do you mean judged? This comes from your own self doubt as a person and the more confidence you gain, the less you will learn that other people care about how you perform.

Do you have any ideas on what kind of jobs you are looking for? It would be good/healthy for you to find something that you excel at and what about volunteering to help you feel good about yourself. It is always a good way to meet people without pressure and it keeps you busy inbetween job searches.

[anaris328]

By watched I mean evaluated and judged by other people, whether teachers, supervisors, family or friends. And I don't think it's necessarily about how they feel about my performance. I just have this feeling that when I'm being evaluated I'll end up failing. I guess that's how I used to feel but now that my self doubt is declining perhaps I no longer feel like I will fail.

I would like to work on environment education and I've found several listings online, so I will likely complete the applications tomorrow.

What I am concerned about is I do not want to relapse. My perception is improving, but I am wondering if working would be problematic at this point and if I should take some more time off.

[Jennifer]

Life is not about always improving, it is a roller coaster ups and downs and working is always an improvement in my opinion. I say go for it, and see how it works, there are no guarantee but you have a good insight into how you feel and if you feel if it is too much, then you can slow down and redirect yourself.