Achluophobia? Fear of darkness and ghosts...

[Griffin]

So...I want to make this short, but I also need to make sure I hit all the points of what my problem is...

I am 23 year old female. My grandma passed in 2001, I wasn't that close to her (as she lived in Louisiana and I live in California), but we visited a few times and my family and I visited her soon before her death, and also attended her funeral. After she died, and after the funeral, I was very scared of being in the dark, or being in closed places alone because I feared I might see her ghost.

I have always been a scary person. I don't watch scary movies. I remember being a very young age, like 2-3 years old, sucking a pacifier and watching Friday the 13th. I don't want to say my mom was a bad parent for letting me see that stuff, but my oldest brother is 12 years older than me, so I would be with my siblings watching whatever they were. For years growing up I would have nightmares of scary movies that I had seen at a young age, but hadn't necessarily seen in years. For instance, I would have one dream repeatedly that Freddy was chasing me in this empty half lit building with an endless amount of staircases. I would wake up just before he caught me. There are many other dreams that I would have with other characters from movies...the giant marshmellow man from Ghostbusters, the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk, scary troll dolls, etc. I don't have these dreams anymore, but it is these dreams that made me deathly afraid of scary movies.

So what's the problem now? Recently, my roommate and her boyfriend convinced me to see The Haunting in Connecticut with them. I literally wanted to die sitting in the chair watching that movie. I started crying in fear from the movie and my fear I believe began to heighten after this point.

Even more recenlty, (I feel like I may begin to sound crazy here, but I am so serious about finding out what the cause of my feelings are and how I can fix them) Michael Jackson's death I believe has begun to scare me even more. I didn't grow up knowing him, but I believe growing up listening to his music, or just knowing of him has made his death similar to my grandma's in the way that I am dealing with it. What makes it even more so is that I went to his memorial at the Staples Center (I live in Los Angeles). I was a fan, and I went because I wanted to. I don't think I knew that going was going to have such an effect on me. But the same feelings that I had after my grandma died, I am having now with his death, but even more intensified. I am deathly afraid that I am going to see his ghost pop up and scare me one day.

I live in an apartment with a roommate, but she is not always here at night. When she is not here, I am very scared. The reason that this issue is becoming such a problem is because I am beginning to start doing like ritualistic things...like I feel really OCD because of my fear of darkness and being alone and ghosts. Here is an example of what I'll do when I get home if my roommate is not here:
*I open the door
*Before I close the door I turn on a light
*I then go back and close the door
*Then I turn on the hallway light
*Check the bathroom to make sure nothing is in there
*Check my roommates room to make sure nothing is in there
*Then I go in my room
*I open my closet to make sure nothing is there
*I finish by making sure there is nothing in my bathroom
*I then close and lock my bedroom door
Even if my roommate is there, I still have a problem of checking the closet and bathroom of my room. I also cannot sleep with my closet door or bathroom door open, and mirrors often times scare me. Basically, I'm getting to the point that I'm scared of myself. Recently, I started feeling like something was always behind me. So if I would walk to the living room to talk to my roommate, for instance, I stand against the wall so I can make sure that nothing is behind me.

What has made matters even worse is that the light outside of my door went out. I live on the second floor and there is a hallway that leads up to my door. So when the light goes out, the hallway is pitch black. After a few nights of being deathly afraid, I bought a flashlight and would use that. But when I forget to bring it, the fear that runs through my body while trying to get in my apartment is just unbearable. The landlord will fix the light, but somehow the timer keeps messing up, so the light will be on during the day and then be off at night again. Currently (as of yesterday) it is fixed, so my fears have since subsided, but that is just one of my many fears that have been alleviated for the time being.

So, here's where I am at...
I think that what I have is achluophobia, possibly.
I know that I am scared of seeing ghosts or monsters, or whatever.
I am grown, and I know that they don't exist, well I know monsters don't, not sure about ghosts, but for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to connect with my rational side.

The reason why I know that my symptoms are really bad and I need help:
Sometimes I'll be in my bed at night and I have to pee, but I hold it because I am too scared to get up and go to the bathroom (which is in my room). I sleep with the TV on, but that light is not enough for me. On occassion that I do get up and go to the bathroom, as I close the door, I feel like something is behind me, so I run/jump onto my bed. I also don't dangle my feet off of the bed because I fear that something will reach out and grab me. When I do go to the bathroom, I always fear that I will open the door and something will be sitting in there waiting for me (this is during the daytime or nighttime). When I say something, the thing that I fear right now is Michael Jackson's ghost. So I fear that his hand will reach out and grab me from underneath my bed. I fear I will see his ghost in my bathroom. I fear that it is him behind me. I know all these fears seem so elementary, but they are real. And as I said before, it's not because I'm some psycho crazy fan, because I had these same kinds of fears when my grandma died, it just seems to be way more intensified now (maybe because I'm pretty much alone now, and when my grandma died I still lived at home with family?).

I just really don't know how to control my mind. When I see a cabinet cracked open in the kitchen, I fear a Chucky doll might hop out and attack me. I don't even watch scary movies (besides the one I saw recently), but even the commericals freak me out. Anytime I see one coming on I try to hurry and turn the channel. Sometimes I'm not successful though and then the scary thoughts just take over my mind. I don't even understand how they are allowed to show what they show on TV. Personally, I feel they should ban all scary movie commercials altogether, because the stuff they show in the commercial is just as bad as seeing the movie! In terms of the ghosts of people that I fear of seeing, I was trying to figure out exactly what I am scared of. I don't know if it's that I fear that the ghosts will hurt me, but I think it's more of the fact that I am scared of the fear I will have if I see them.

I know all this is scattered all over, and I did plan to have this all come out as a cohesive story, but it's hard trying to explain everything that has been spiraling out of control via a forum. I just know I need some help before I scare myself out of my own skin. I was reading a website the same night I found this website, and basically I think that I am going to have to get over the fear by immersing myself in the situations that scare me and just deal with them. But when I read that, just the very thought of having to be scared even more made me start to cry. I just don't know what to do. But the feeling of being scared, and the anxiety that I feel is becoming so unbearable. Please help.

I hope there aren't many typos...

Thank you.

[Jennifer]

Firstly, NO more scary movies or funerals, only happy go lucky stuff with you. As far as you seeing scary movies at 2-3, yes that was not a good parenting move and you watched those movies at a critical stage of your development and it seems as if you have been greatly affected.

Not sure I see the connection between mj's death and your grandma. MJ died because of a drug overdose and his heart stopped. As far as ghosts go, do some research and learn about them alittle and maybe they won't be so scary. In theory ghosts are just people that are inbetween worlds and only children can really see them, not adults. Ghosts are not scary, just different.

OCD is a real condition and if you are, then you will need more therapy than this forum can offer. You should take our assessment and find out if you are.

[Griffin]

The connection between MJ and my grandma is that I feel like I'm only scared of seeing the ghosts of people that I know/cared about. Fortunately, I haven't experienced much death close to me, but I feel like I'm seeing a pattern of being scared of the ghosts of people that I know.

I think you telling me that children can see ghosts scared me even more. That means they really do exist. That thought is absolutely crazy and freaks me out.

As far as the OCD, I don't think I'm really OCD, but I'm just saying the stuff that I do to make sure that I'm "safe" is beginning to become/feel so ritualistic.

Again, I know it's mental, but I just don't know how to stop from thinking I need to check behind all the doors to make sure I'm safe. And that part that you said about seeing the scary movies at a critical stage in development...I think that is it...I think that I might not be able to separate between fact and fiction because I was always introduced to monsters and ghosts as fact since I saw them so young? I don't know. I just hate being so scary. Do you know of ways to get over it, besides sitting alone in the dark only further freaking myself out?

[Jennifer]

Like I said in my previous post, do some research on ghosts and find out what they are exactly. Fear comes from the unknown and you have an unknown fear right now. Educate yourself, maybe wait till the day time to do it. Ghosts are not scary, but sometimes our minds create scary things and then we blow them out of proportion.

no dark rooms

[mariamalnaser]

Hi Griffin,

I'm replying to your post on fear of ghosts and the dark. I know exactly what you're talking about - plus I'm also a 23 year old female : ) What I'm writing may be true or may be false but I wrote as if it's linked to my own case, which is very possible.
I've had anxiety of exactly the same kind, I have gotten scared in bed to get up and turn the lights on or to go to the bathroom, to walk in darkness in my own house even though I know that there is nothing there when the lights are on. My point is that I identified with a lot of what you wrote. I didn't have someone die before this happened, but I so went through so much of what you are going through.
I went to a psychoanalytic therapist (one kind of therapist) to help me (I wanted someone who I can go deeply into issues with) , and if you can afford to do that you will benefit a lot.
But let me advise you from all that I learned through my own experience with this anxiety...

You're convinced is very possible there are "ghosts" but point is that you're convinced (a) they're bad and (b) their purpose and desire is totally about ''let's get griffin". As if there's something out there to get you, that's what terrifies you and your paralyzing fear grows and that scares you too. That you have no power, that's another thing, that you can not do anything to protect yourself, this is an assumption you have..

Are you the shy type? Can you say that so far in your life you learned to defend yourself, to *fight* when no one was there to stand up for you, that you would fight for yourself with all the wild spirit of instinct inside of you? Do you believe that if you're in a scary situation, you do not have what it takes to fight for yourself and survive? Well you do, it's absolutely there, no question.
You probably believe you're guilty of something, that's why you're so convinced that someone's out to get you. To punish you, that you deserve the punishment and they have all the right to get you. ('They' don't exist really. They're just projections you make, you create these things to try to confront something within *you, the 'ghost' you fear to feel behind you etc, it's something within you that is coming up back to your memory. I think this is based on feelings of very deep guilt.
I've always been intrested in spirituality and religion and I always was reading and creating my own kind of religion. When I was 14 I read Conversations With God that basically says God is loving not punishing so when I ever came across this scary thought of ghosts, I was *Never* afraid. NEVER. I was totally in control and totally feeling God is on my side, nothing can hurt me because love is stronger than fear, it is in my power completely. Then when I was 21, this feeling of love was very weak in my heart so I couldn't just for example say some kind of prayer and have the fear dissappear like I used to when I was 14. Cuz sometimes you don't really feel that love inside or you don't have a strong faith or you don't even believe in anything so when this idea of ghosts or maybe even God comes, you get so scared. Yes it's the unknown. That's normal to be afraid of the unknown but that's not what you're going through. What you're going through is anxiety related to feelings of deep guilt inside you. Maybe you believe your grandma's gonna punish you because you did something wrong. Maybe you feel guilty for your sexuality, that's what I was feeling. My family never spoke about sexuality and it was taboo so in the back of my mind I felt guilty for experiencing any beautiful love with a boyfriend or for my sexuality.

Most important thing: There are things you assume that are not true. But it's hard to know what they are all by yourself. You are definitely suffering Griffin. And no matter what your religious beliefs are, whether you believe in Catholic original sin or whether you believe New Age spirituality like eating meat is a sin, whatever it is, this suffering you are going through is very abnormal in the sense that you should never accept this to be your normal state. You should begin the process of addressing and releasing this guilt. Definitely in the context of a trusting counselor, or someone you can build a deep bond with that is ***willing to help you no matter how long you need, will be patient, above all someone full of love in their heart, entirely loving and nothing less than that should be sought for**

If you can not afford any kind of therapy, and I suggest psychoanalysis because very deep suffering and guilt can be fought for good - for the rest of your life, but it's very expensive. But it will help you so much.
If you can not, I suggest you turn to spirituality. It is a life-long discovery, you always have questions and journeys it's not one fixed thing. It's ultimately existential, maybe you're wondering deep inside you 'what am I supposed to do in life?' , maybe you're having an existential crisis. Read books go to spiritual circles or if you are religious go to church, get a spiritual kind of support, go regularly. Make sure also that your friends care about you , that you can be yourself around them and that they love you deeply. If you don't have friends like that, be alone. It's better than to let people who just won't do take up your energy - it's very precious now because you have anxiety problems. You need nurturing and love.

As for movies, DUH you shouldn't watch scary movies! You know what they do? They overactivate a system in your body that's meant to protect you! Your heart beating faster etc is supposed to help you think fast and act fast and do what you need to do when you have little time to act, in a critical situation. But this kind of movie- look, Hollywood makes money from that crap because alot of people get a 'rush' from the fear and shocks. That's all there is to that kind of film. The music and electronics, it all is calculated to physically escalate and then 'boo!' ooh aah that was scary. It's trash, Griffin.... Anyways you're totally not in a place where you enjoy that, you're in a way wounded and this is like poking your wound, causing you suffering, just keep that shit away, it's trash..
Watch better movies. Or read books. Like Women Who Run With The Wolves or any uplifting kind of work.... I suggest if you want to watch movies, choose movies about kick-ass women. There are movies where women totally fight and win, movies where the main character is a hero. There are so many. Hero movies, spiritual movies. Movies that make you feel like wow I'm so ready to kick someone's ass. *No one can fuck with me. Or even something like Animal Cops. You see the animals are in danger, it's sometimes sad but there's always someone there to save them and the end is soo great- love and care and a home for the saved animal : ) Eventually you can later watch the movie about Tina Turner, forgot the name.....her survival from an abusive husband....
This is all to get back your inner warrier, girl!!

So good luck Griffin,


-Mariam
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-Mariam